My Biological Clock Still Has a Tick or Two Left!

Okay, now that that's over...

2009-03-14T14:26:00.002-07:00

Yep. I stopped the adoption process. It was incredibly painful and one of the worst days of my life, but there really wasn't any other choice for me to make. I know it was the right decision to end it. Thanks for the good advice and wonderful thoughts and prayers. I did have to try to look very realistically at what life was going to be like with J, and it wasn't going to be good or pretty or happy.

I'll spare you all the gory details at this point... besides, I'm not feeling very talkative right now. I'm taking a little break to figure it all out.

What the ****?

2009-01-14T14:24:00.002-07:00

Oh, LORDY, ladies (and gents)! This motherhood thing is totally kicking my ass. J moved in on 12/18 - so it's been less than 1 month. We had a couple days home, then a week in Seattle with family, then home for the rest of the week, and school started. We're mid-way through her second week of school.

Where to begin? Okay, TANTRUMS with a capital T which rhymes with pee and that's a problem, too... nearly daily tantrums that include kicking, screaming, pounding feet, flailing on the floor, running through the house screaming, hitting things, kicking doors and walls, pushing the furniture around... Also usually included defiance of any requests (take your meds, go to your room, sit down, chillax, stop screaming in my ear). What sets her off? The word "no." She's completely absorbed in herself & what she wants. Is any of this surprising given that I'm her 10th placement and she's had 3 adoption disruptions so far due at least in part to behaviors? No. Was ALL of this clearly identified for me prior to placement? No. Did I ask all of the right questions and demand answers? Maybe not entirely. Do I feel at least partly duped by the system? Yes.

BUT - I've hopefully made it abundantly clear that in order to avoid yet another disruption, we need help. We need services. And that is FINALLY starting to happen.

Last Sunday a behavior coach came in, and we'll have regular visits starting in another week. We had our first appt with her new regular counselor today. Our "stabilization team" is now on the case, so I can call 24/7 - either to the team or to the crisis line - if I feel I need any help at all. I also have a family support person who will work directly with me to find coping skills so I don't burn out. I also have an advocate with my adoption center (in addition to my regular worker) who helps to ensure I get what I need - and that I'm asking for what I need. I've seen her once, and we have a second appt. tomorrow. I haven't seen my family support person yet, and the stabilization team will come out on Saturday for interviews and planning.

So at first there was no help - no support. And now we have it in abundance (maybe - we'll see if everyone shows up when they say they will, answers the phones during crisis, etc.).

The trip north for Christmas was okay. Poor dear didn't impress anyone. My mom is still supportive (not that my sister & dad are not, just much less enthusiastic), but she's as flumoxed as I as to just what to do with J - how to handle her behaviors. But J just isn't what my family hoped I would get. She's maybe not what I had hoped for either (sorry, just being honest), but I feel that's probably somewhat typical of older placements and I've done my share of grieving already. I was initially set - no matter what happens, it's her and I... Then the more extreme behaviors started and I felt unsupported and at a complete loss wondering whether or not I could do or even wanted to anymore. Today the folks with the white hats have shown up and I figure we might just make this work...

Pee - nightly, and sometimes daytime as well. But we just started a new plan yesterday of nightime bedwetting medication (an anti-diuretic). If that's not helping with increased doses weekly in about a month, then we can add an additional medication. We may also get a vibrating alarm watch that will go off every two hours and discipline J to use the bathroom during the day. And if she is extremely motivated to end the nighttime wetting, we can get a powerful vibrating alarm to shake her awake at the first sign of urine. These efforts should HOPEFULLY help her to be fairly consistently dry day and night within 4 to 6 months. But I can't say she's truly motivated yet. Something to work towards, though.

Attitude - with another capital letter A. She could put most teens to shame with this one (just as she puts toddlers to shame with her tantrum aptitude). I can honestly say that no one has ever been quite as mean to me - terrorizing even - as she has been to me. But, you know, it's not personal. She hates what I represent - failed parenting. Not that I'm failing necessarily - though she's working at it. That's what she expects. She's been able to wear down (and out) EVERYONE else. My goal is to hang in there and hope she straightens out with my guidance and consistency.

First, though, I need more practice not reacting to her misbehaviors. I'm expecting a tantrum this evening because I told her she can't play with the neighbor girls unless she finishes her homework (yesterday she didn't do her homework). She knows it, but she'll likely try to push it. But we need to turn things like play time around to not be her "right" that is sometimes taken away, but rather a "reward." So I'm sure I can begin "not reacting" tonight.

Soo, soo, soo much is happening. And I'm exhausted. And work is suffering. (Can you say "distraction"? Yesterday I got a work call and was completely thrown off -- the previous 3 calls had been J related. Had to stop work early Monday for a J-team meeting. Had to take time off to get her to the doctor's yesterday. Had to take time off for the counselor today. Will have to take time off tomorrow for one of the support workers. ...nothing Friday, I don't think... Stabilization team scheduled for after J's hip hop/tumbling class on Saturday.)

I'm honestly not sure how often I'll log into the blog (and sorry for not keeping up with all that's going on for my friends!! I've been really J-absorbed lately.), but if I get a few check-ins, reminders, I'll try to head back here to catch up.

getting closer

2008-11-17T12:43:00.002-07:00

I'm surprised it's been so long since my last post! The little girl, J, and I are certainly spending more time together. Last week she stayed over Monday night since Tuesday was a holiday. Then we got together Thursday evening, and she was with me all weekend from after school on Friday through Sunday early evening. I'll see her Tuesday and Thursday evenings this week, and next weekend, although the schedule may be changed somewhat... I will have her the week of Thanksgiving, Tuesday after school through Sunday.

Unlike I'd thought in my last post, she won't be living with me full time by Thanksgiving. She has a number of people on her "team" - caseworker, caseworker's supervisor, counselor, counseling supervisor, psychiatrist, psychologist, guardian ad litem, guardian ad litem's assistant, foster family, myself, and my licensing/certification worker. Needless to say, to get all of these folks on the same page is difficult at best. The current plan, though (and we DO have one!), is to have her stay with me over the long Thanksgiving weekend +, and then tell her I want to adopt her at her first counseling appt. after that on Dec. 3. They would like her to finish the school term out where she's at, and move in with me the weekend she gets out for winter break, Dec. 20. We'll have a couple days together before we go to the NW for Christmas with my family--her NEW family. Huh... wonder if that will seem daunting to her. Fortunately, she loves gatherings and loves attention, so she should enjoy it.

Case in point, we went to an annual picnic yesterday hosted by a local nonprofit environmental group. She met lots of people and was perfectly comfortable serving herself and going off and sitting with other people while she ate. She hooted and hollared for award recipients like she was at a Han*na Mon*tana concert. I did tell her that 95-year-old Edith might not appreciate being told "WOO! You GO girl! Rock on!!" -- it could be considered disrespectful. She toned it down a little after that, but she loves drawing attention and being fawned over. OH - there was a silent auction during the picnic, and I bid on a couple framed photos that she liked, so she was convinced she would get these for her room at my house. I was outbid on one of them, and I did not feel like spending the additional monies for the photo - plus the person who took the photo told us he'd get one just for J if we were outbid. So we were outbid, and even though we'd get a copy of the photo, J started crying, upset and angry that we were outbid. The guy who did get the photo said he'd share it with us... we could have it one year, and at next year's picnic, we'll get it back to him. She was still mad because she wanted "that one." She was finally somewhat appeased when the photographer gave her another framed photo for free, plus the one on which I'd placed the winning bid, plus another that I had commented previously to the photographer that I would like... We walked out with 4 framed nature photos. She decided on the way home that maybe it wasn't such a good idea for her to have been so upset and mad.

All in all, things are going very well. She's an absolute love, and I'm looking forward to her being my daughter full time. And I'm really looking forward to her knowing that she has a permanent place with me. December 3rd. I'll let you know how that goes!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes 2

2008-10-20T23:11:00.002-07:00

Last week went really well with J. She is mostly a typical 10-year-old who is desperate for stability. We've had great fun doing all sorts of things little girls/kids like to do... movies, roller coasters, video games, pedicures, the science center and shopping. And she seems very excited to spend the night for the first time next weekend. We've gotten along very well, and though she pulls attitude frequently, it usually doesn't take but 3-4 "no" statements to get her back on track. She loves to challenge and barter. She also likes to blame others for situations and emotions she doesn't like. But she is a darling little girl!! And I am falling into mommyhood pretty well, I think. I also think we're on track for her to live with me full time by Thanksgiving! So cheers to big damn changes!! and lots of counseling. and lots of hugs. and knowing what a cool thing this is.

Ups and Downs

2008-10-13T11:02:00.002-07:00

We had a terrific Saturday at C*stles *nd Co*sters! The only down side of the day was that I was too fat to ride the roller coaster... I couldn't lock the bar across my lap! Might have worked if my legs were shorter, and my knees didn't have to be quite so up in the air... J was so sweet, she said, "You're not fat... you're just tall." Yeah, we'll get along just fine.

She was high energy, but only verged on obnoxious a couple times. She also mistook me for furniture a few times, but I can understand that she just wants to get "close" and create - even mandate - a relationship. Such a sweet girl that needs so much!

We're going to the movies this afternoon. I'll take her to Peter Piper for dinner and games Wednesday. And I plan to spend the full day with her on Friday. She'll get to meet my sister, too, who is flying into town for a friend's baby shower.

VERY EXCITING!!

Tired already

2008-10-10T22:48:00.002-07:00

I met my "daughter" today. It's just the strangest thing... She calls her foster mom, Mom. She's extremely high energy, singing, dancing, "I'm bored"-ing, pushing boundaries, cheating on checkers, etc. all over the place, when she's not firing a ball at my head. To say I'm thrilled is an understatement. To say I'm terrified is an understatement.

She's 10 10-year-olds in 1 beautiful kid. And I'm 1 inexperienced, lower-case mom.

We spent a couple hours together today. We'll spend most of tomorrow together. Yes, she talked me into a theme park. Considering her zoom-zoominess, I'll likely be glad to have Sunday off.

You really, really like me

2008-10-03T21:39:00.003-07:00

Recap of the week's relevant happenings:
1) I finally heard from my adoption worker on Wednesday and a 2nd meeting with the caseworker and the girl's (J) guardian ad litem was scheduled for Friday (today). Anxiety mostly abated.
2) Attended productive meeting with caseworker and guardian ad litem (plus 3 other people) this morning. Tentatively set a meeting date for next Friday for J and myself. This will be a brief meeting with about a 4 hr play meeting the next day, Saturday. We'll probably be getting together a few times each week for a couple weeks, then maybe start an overnight and then weekend visits.
3) We've agreed that initially I will only be introduced as a "special friend." (Sounds perverse, but I didn't tell them that...) This should help reduce some of the pressure on her and help us build a friendship and bond (as much as one can be established over the course of a few weeks). Then, seeing how it goes, let her know what's up before she moves in permanently.

So they are definitely excited about this happening for J. And I'm excited for me! And nervous as hell. Time to think seriously about my "house rules," schedule and structure. This, people, is huge! The absolutely most important thing I've ever done in my life. (Like I have to tell you this.) I hope like hell I can be an adequate, maybe even good, mom to this little girl. I'll do my best.

Love in the Time of Color, uh

2008-09-30T17:43:00.004-07:00

I really, really appreciate all the congrats and well wishes! Here's how it stands:
I met with the little girl's (J) caseworker, her supervisor, etc. last Wednesday a.m. to get and provide more info. It all seemed good, and we were set to plan a meeting for me with J. I was given 24 hours to decide whether I still wanted to move forward. I told them before I left that I did. I haven't heard a thing since. My adoption worker was to try to get a hold of the caseworker yesterday to try to schedule something. Nothing. So, keep hoping that this moves forward, but at this point I feel a little left in the dark.

But the house is coming along! I still can't find my camera battery charger, so no pics--sorry! The master bedroom, bathroom, office, and hall are all painted - only need to paint the doors. The living room walls are painted & half the molding - still need to paint the ceiling & other half of the molding & front door. Then I need to paint the dining room. And eventually/soon the family room and kids room - whenever the kid gets here and tells me what color they want. I'm thinking I want to put an embossed tin ceiling in the dining room, but that'll run me around $500, so I'll just paint it for now. I also need to install the ceiling fans I have for the office and living room. I took the ceiling fan from my bedroom to good*will today. I'll do the same with the others once I replace them. I also took my sad, old t.v. - a hand-me-down from an ex-beau. I bought my first t.v. last week - a 32" flat panel LCD. Fun! I also put together 3 bookcases & mounted them to the wall. I'm so proud of myself!

1 fish, 2 fish, blond fish, my fish

2008-09-16T13:35:00.003-07:00

I'm gonna be a mom. Yes, I said it!! I was selected this morning to parent a 10-year-old girl!

Within the next couple weeks (probably sooner rather than later), I'll have a meeting with the case worker and my adoption specialist to discuss the details of her case, ask questions, etc. Then we'll plan the transition. In most cases, they like to see the transition take place over a couple months.... meet on neutral ground, meet at her current placement, meet at my house, a sleep-over, more meetings and sleep-overs, etc.

I was also told that judges usually want a child to be in a placement for at least 6 months before the adoption proceeds. ...So my hope is that she lives with me full time by Christmas 2008, and is adopted by Christmas 2009.

But now it's time to be both excited and panicked at the prospects of being an instant mom!! I have lived completely alone for the past 10 years and only shared domiciles for a total of 5 of the previous 15 (including married at 21 for 3 years, other roommate situations). And I'm about to share my home and my life with another person. A troubled little person. A little person who will need me. wow.

Sugar and spice and everything nice

2008-09-15T19:38:00.002-07:00

It's finally cooling off around here... Low hundreds today. I think upper 90s tomorrow. Yay! Summer's about over.

I STILL haven't found that camera battery charger. But started moving boxes and unpacking more in earnest today. Painted the hallway the same color as the one wall in the bedroom, durango blue. The hall has incredibly 6 doorways and an archway, plus 3.5" molding, so lots of white as well as the blue. It's really lovely and I'm SO happy that's done. Still need to do the ceiling and paint all the doors and molding. Then I'll be head over heels.

I had my quarterly visit with my adoption specialist today. She said that she had great news (and she didn't lie). Apparently she found out this morning that one of the girls I'd been interested in parenting has become available for adoption again. Someone connected with the family (her brother's adoptive mom's mother) was considering her, but it didn't work out. So TOMORROW is the meeting with the caseworker, and only one other family is being considered. My specialist said it looked very good for me. I should know tomorrow by early afternoon!! The girl is 10 and super cute. And I remember that she loves animals and thinks she wants to be a vet. So this houseful would be pretty perfect for her.

Back to the unpacking... where is that charger?!!!

For Want of a Nail

2008-09-09T00:07:00.009-07:00

Woo! Sorry. I've been painting and going crazy here. But I can't find my battery charger for my camera. So I can't take any new pics, but here's a few I haven't shared yet. (I guess I coulda not said anything, posted these, and you'd be none the wiser...)

So, here's the "durango blue" accent wall in my bedroom, before I got a picture hung up there in the middle of it...
And here's the opposite wall, with my "boudoir girls" hanging on my "radiant sun" wall. Notice the chic modern ceiling fan that I installed myself (replacing the previous hideous piece of metal and glass).

Hmmm... and here is my dining room slash temporary office while the "real" office has yet to be completed. Painting... baseboard molding. I'm hoping that happens Wednesday night. Then I can get that room put together.

Cuz this is what it looks like right now...

And yes, you can be sure that I have already purchased the replacement ceiling fan/light for this room! Oh, and by the way, the dining room has not yet been painted... at least not by me.

That's enough for now... but I'll leave you with a shot of the back yard. Exciting, I know.

And it's dusk in the picture, so you can't tell what the hell is going on. But in this shot, you see the edge of my patio, a big block of grass, something else (dirt and weeds, if you must know), and in the distance, a concrete block wall with a red (take my word for it) stained wood plank gate. And the tree in the right of the pic, or what you might be mistaking for a large, dark, amorphous blob, is a pecan tree. Yeah, that's right... behind the very large ghost orb. (Does anyone else watch the RotoRooterGhosthunterGuys??) Behind the tree is a decent-sized garden that is already fenced, has water hoses plumbed with the faucets right there in the garden, and has overhead lights that can be switched on for working at night... when it's cool. Or at least cooler. It's 12:30am, and currently 88 degrees F. And you know what the F stands for...

Hopefully I'll find that camera battery charger and be able to get some new pics soon. If anybody knows which box that damn thing got packed into, I'd be so happy if you'd let me know...

Home is where the work is...

2008-08-28T07:32:00.002-07:00

The house deal closed on schedule! $450 of my $500 earnest money is in the mail back to me! I spent last night packing and will be painting and packing today and tomorrow. Moving Saturday and Sunday. I'll post pics soon!

the tide is high

2008-08-19T10:38:00.002-07:00

It's been crazy here... or maybe it's just me. The house purchase is moving along, still on track to close at the end of this month. I hope. Working out termite treatment issues with the seller. And found out that flood insurance will be an unexpected expense - not the insurance itself, but rather the amount (twice as much as anticipated) and the fact they want the entire year up front! I hadn't budgeted for that.

My mom and niece were here for a week, 8/8-15. Then I returned with them to Seattle for my little sister's 40th birthday. Back home on 8/17. Quick trip! But it was worth it. She had a fabulous party.

I have mounds of work to catch up on, too. I've been so distracted lately. Huh... wonder why...

Best wishes go out to all my friends in Blogland and sincerest apologies for not checking in sooner!!

To root or wing or both

2008-08-04T17:36:00.004-07:00

I'm planning on getting some new digs... I'd been thinking about it for some time, and just working at cleaning up my credit as much as possible. Then I found out a friend of mine had gotten his RE license and thought, what the hell. I'll help him get experience, and I'll feel comfortable asking him stupid questions. So I emailed him on 7/22, signed a contract with him on 7/23, and got names of possible mortgage brokers to see what I might prequalify for.

I started looking at listings and so did he, without knowing my price range. I also drove around and found a couple houses to check listings on. Finally, a week later he asked me if I was getting all I needed from the mortgage broker. I had to fess up that I hadn't called yet, but it prompted me to do it. I think I was a little afraid... how's my credit in relation to what I need for the loan I want? how much can I get? will they tell me to take a hike? am I really ready for this? how much will I need for a down payment? (cuz I don't have anything, and I need to know how long I'll have to save) Within 2 hours of the call I made, I was pre-qualified for a loan. I knew my price range. I found out about the loan possibilities (F*H*A) and down payment requirements (3%, payable by seller with Amer*idream thru Oct. 1 when that loophole goes away). So we started shopping in earnest. I found a number of listings I was interested in and sent them all to the realtor. He also suggested a few. We made an appt. to go look at some houses last Saturday, 8/2. We looked at 9 houses. One of them really stuck in my head, so we made an offer the next morning (yesterday). I haven't received a counter offer yet, but heard one would be coming. We'd indicated we want to have something by tomorrow, Tuesday, close of business. We also indicated in the offer that we want to close on 8/27.

SO - I may be a homeowner as early as 3 weeks from now, just 5 weeks from when I contracted my realtor. But I'm not counting my chickens, so to speak. I've had enough disappointment to know not to spend time "dreaming" about possibilities. I am really excited, though, and hoping this works out. And if it doesn't, there are 100 more homes in my price range in this area, so I'll likely be a home owner within the next 2 months, anyway. My wild pups need a back yard to run in! And I'd like to do foster-adopt, and am more inclined to do whatever home improvements, changes, etc. to meet state requirements on a home I own rather than one I rent.

Speaking of adoption--kids, not dogs--the one little girl that was a more recent possibility didn't work out. The case worked didn't consider me. So there's nobody on the horizon for me yet. Still. And I can celebrate my 1 year anniversary for adoption certification on August 18.

Speaking of anniversaries, yesterday marked 23 years since I'd gotten married (we were only together 3 years, then separated for 3 before we divorced). Interesting that it was commemorated by my first offer on my first house. Took me awhile to grow up...

Biko and Thin Lizzy

2008-07-25T18:22:00.003-07:00

My new babies goin' at it...

I introduced them to rawhides today. Got me a whole 15 minutes of peace!!

I picked them up Tuesday afternoon rather than Thursday -- they were ready early. I've been exhausted ever since. 9-mo. old Biko doesn't seem to have any concept of outdoor facilities. And turns out Thin Lizzy is only 2 mos. But I've cleaned up and cleaned up and been extremely vigilant. And the potty training has gone better today. Biko peed in his kennel twice earlier, but not on the floor. And he hasn't pooped in the house today. Lizzy hasn't pottied in her kennel or in the house at all today. I know it's not quite 7pm and a lot could happen yet this evening... But compared to the last couple days, they've really been stellar. [Update: Biko made it until 9:40. He'd been outside not 10 minutes prior for 1/2 an hour. He'd peed and pooped. And then came in and peed. Oh, well. Tomorrow's a new day!]

ugh... I just pulled poop off of Lizzy's fur under her arm... that had to be there for at least a day. eww. I can't really bathe them for about a week either. (Sponge baths, but no soaking their sutures...)

And to answer your question, Jen, my friend R and I named them. I named Biko - which was suppose to have been Kobi's name, except my boyfriend at the time didn't like it. Can y'all remember Peter Gabriel's tribute to the antiapartheid leader? R named Lizzy - and several other dogs in the pound that I didn't take home... There was Kajagoogoo, a mop-headed white dog. Tigger, a SERIOUSLY bouncing terrier mix. Thin Lizzy was chewing on the bars of the cage, prompting R to sing "tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak..." Plus she was puppy-puffy, contrary to "thin."

I'll be sooooo happy when we're all potty trained and settling in. The cats aren't thrilled, but they seem to be holding their own. I imagine it will be a pretty happy zoo here pretty soon.

Nothin' a puppy can't fix...

2008-07-20T21:30:00.006-07:00

Feelin' better! Started back at the gym. It's cooled down just a bit. Was in Yosemite for work recently... swam in the Wild and Scenic Merced River. Re: adoption, a couple kiddos were presented to me. I've asked that my homestudy be sent for one of them, and I'll hopefully find out if I'll be considered Monday. If so, her caseworker will be deciding who will be her adoptive parent(s) by the end of the week.

I made an appointment with a friend who recently became a real estate agent. We'll have coffee Tuesday morning and discuss some listings, my needs, etc. I SO don't know what I'm doing, but it's a good time to do it now, so... Figured it was time to get some help and get the process started. If I do end up buying a house and I still don't have the right kiddo match, I've planned all along that I would get licensed to do foster care so I can do foster-adopt. I just didn't want to mess with the state licensing while I was renting because there were a few costly things that need repair (not dangerous, just the rules).

I also went to the county animal shelter yesterday and found a couple of furbabies I had to adopt. Pictures below!

Biko, the brindle boxer mix, and...

Thin Lizzy, the jail breakin' retriever mix!

SUCH CUTIES! I get to bring them home on Thursday after their spay/neuter surgeries. Can't wait!!!!!

Got blahs?

2008-07-03T18:46:00.003-07:00

Not sure exactly what is up... I mean I can guess at lots of stuff. Losing Kobi. Living in Phx without any family around. It's Summer in Phx. I've been certified to adopt for almost a year, but not matched with any kiddos yet. My car was hit & runned while I was out of town over Memorial Weekend - not super noticeable, but I see it every time I approach the car. Recent surreal occurrence of bullet through ceiling. My sleep schedule is completely f-d up. I've been losing myself in television or computer games or other hand-held games. I've put probably 20 lbs back on since January - 1/2 the weight I lost. It's Summer in Phx. Kobi's gone. And I can't sleep. And money stuff and house stuff and stuff and stuff...

I don't feel depressed per se. Maybe that's the joy of antidepressants. But I haven't been very productive lately. As I said, my sleep schedule has just been OFF. Have been getting about 4-5 hours sleep each night (or early morning) this week. Until last night/this morning. Didn't fall asleep until probably 2. But then slept through my alarm until 11 am. Fortunately I didn't have any appts. But c'mon! You can't just sleep until 11 am on a work day that normally starts at 8 am and feel good about it. At least I can't. "You needed it." "You're lucky you can do that sorta thing..." No, not helpful. Cuz, yeah. And yeah.

So, I'm hoping I can fulfill my commitment to myself to get it turned around this weekend. To not just fill my time with not thinking activities part of the time and sleep the rest of the time. But to plan. And dare to hope.

Bleh. But I'm smiling. I know it'll be fine. Just am sick 'n tired of these blahs.

here's some sunshine:

green patch

2008-07-01T20:05:00.002-07:00

If you click on my widget (heehee, she said widget), I get greenbucks (not real money) to help me tend my lil green patch on Face*book.

not much

2008-06-30T22:30:00.004-07:00

I am not a good, nor consistent blogger... Guess I should just face the facts and stop feeling bad about it. :)

Nothing exciting (thank goodness) going on. I haven't heard anything more about the boy/girl twins. The case worker for the boy/boy twins is not accepting any more home studies. Frustrating.

My brain cells need a rest. I know... I just got started, but I'm out of blog-shape.

CSI PHX

2008-06-21T09:36:00.010-07:00

Wouldn't you know it... The morning after my last post I got a call from my adoption facilitators about a pair of nearly 9-year-old twins (their birthday is today!), a boy and girl. They have had some issues, particularly the boy, but seem to have come a long way in the past year. I have requested my homestudy be sent to their caseworker. There's also ANOTHER set of twins, 9 and both boys, that I've requested more information about. We'll see what happens...

My mom and maybe oldest niece (10) plan to come for a visit which will be fun! -- maybe July. It should be good and muggy for 'em.

Can't believe I'm having difficulty keeping my eyes open this morning. Almost 11 am, although I did get up by 7 to go out to breakfast at Matt's. Rode my bike. Worked on my farmer's tan, but didn't go to the farmer's market...

I'll leave you with shots of the shot that turned my home into a crime scene and me into a detective for the evening last Tuesday. What I encountered...

The bullet was still warm, although it was a hot evening and everything was warm... I could see sheetrock marks on the bullet, and a few pieces of plaster on the floor. My house is falling apart, but this seemed new. Though not a weapons expert, I could tell the copper bullet was a larger caliber (if it was indeed a bullet and not just something else within my house that was falling apart...). With all of my sleuthing, though, I couldn't find the freakin' bullet hole. But the cops, with likely a bit more practice, were able to locate the entry hole. I'd looked all over the ceiling in the living room, but it didn't dawn on me to check the ceiling in the dining room, although I did check for broken windows or a hole in the walls, of which there were none. I haven't followed up to find out if they ever figured out precisely from where the bullet left the gun, although I do have a case number. So much for sleuthing.

It's Raining Bullets

2008-06-17T21:30:00.005-07:00

Okay, so I'm just sitting down, ready to blog for the first time in almost 3 weeks, and "CRASH"! What the hell?? So I go look in the living room where it sounded like the crash had come from. I'd thought 1) a new set of photos/frames of my nieces fell off the fireplace mantle, or 2) the metal fireplace screen fell over... Nope everything in its place.

But what's this? A large caliber copper bullet? WTF?? I can't figure out where it came in... I call the cops. They discover that it came in through the dining room roof/ceiling. There's a little plaster in the living room, which I'd seen, and a divot in the floor, which I'd missed. Oh, besides the hole in the ceiling. Likely from shots fired a couple miles from here! The landlord's gonna have to patch the roof before the monsoon storms start...

It's oh so quiet here without the Kobester. And I was a big huge mess for the first week, but it gets better every day. I miss him so much... But the cats are getting lots more pets and brushing. I was going to wait to get a dog until I could pick it out with a kiddo, but that's goin' no where fast. I'll probably get a dog when I get back from a training/retreat at Yosemite in July. I agreed to foster a pit bull if nobody else will do it in a few days. Hopefully they'll find it a good home soon. I can't get attached because I don't think the adoption/agency folks will take too kindly to it.

On the kiddo front, the little girl that I was being considered for had a family member step forward (finally!) to take her. She's been in the system for like 6 years. I don't know if the family member will get approved, but in the meantime, there're no matches for me. Hard to believe this takes so long when there're 9000 kids in foster care in AZ!

Nearly forgot, same day I lost Kobi, I was walkin' around in a fog and stepped wrong off a curb and twisted both ankles/feet. I know! I was taking care of my friend's dog while she was out of town, and was walking the dog and a bowl of her food to my car - I was going to take her home with me. But got to the curb to the rear of my car and I fell down. Both ankles gave out and I was immediately on my knees (see Jen? we could be related...). My right ankle hurt so bad, I thought I'd broken it. I finally got up and hopped to the car door and opened it to get my phone which was still in the car. The dog jumped in - she was ready to go. But I wasn't goin' nowhere. I ended up flagging down a neighbor and asking him to take the dog back in my friend's house. Then some other neighbors got home and they helped me back into the house and got me ice. Yet another neighbor helped me by walking the dog and taking me to see the orthopedic surgeon she works for the next day. I wore an air-cast for a few days, until the discomfort of the heat rash was worse than the ankle pain. I'd apparently torn the ligaments in the outside of my right ankle and stressed some tendons in the top of my left foot. Or something like that... It's much better now though. I decided maybe Kobi was still looking out for me by giving me something else to think about and to concentrate on taking care of myself. It sure worked for the first 24 hours...

Best Dog Ever

2008-05-29T14:01:00.003-07:00

My best friend passed away this morning. We had almost 11 years together. He was the very BEST DOG EVER, and I will miss him like crazy.

This is going to be hard… He was a few months shy of 11. We beat “bloat” and an oral sarcoma. But seems he likely had cancer in his spleen that was bleeding into his abdomen. The prognosis wasn’t at all promising. But he was such a good boy – he stopped breathing as the doc was telling me the options. He didn’t make me choose. He didn't die while I was out of town over the weekend. He didn’t die at a “strange” clinic, and he didn’t die at home, where it would have been nearly impossible for me to move him at 107 lbs. of literally dead weight. He waited 'til he got to his oncologist’s office, and waited for me to join him in the room. He had people around him that loved him, including the doc’s office manager, also named Kobi.(!) It was the best possible scenario given the circumstances. SUCH a good dog. SO MANY happy memories.

goodbye, my lovely boy

Ups, downs and long roads home

2008-05-28T23:30:00.004-07:00

Went to visit the fam-damily for a long Memorial Weekend. Saw some cousins I haven't seen in almost a decade. They have 3 beautiful little boys, ages 3-9. Folks, sister, 2 nieces and myself rented a mini-van and drove from Seattle to central Oregon. Some 6 plus hours, and/but my adorable 3 and 10-year-old nieces were terrific. Mimi (3) didn't cry even once during the drive, and Lex (10) was completely good, quiet and reasonable - didn't complain about boredom or nothin'. We stayed at a Sup*er*8 for a couple nights and swam in the eyes - are - burning - from - the - over - chlorinated - pool and ate out of the is - that - all - they - have - vending - machine and the they're - out - of - everything - beverage - machine... But it was Memorial Weekend, and the small town we were in was hosting a youth baseball tournament. Every place we went--the pool, the pizza place down the street--were packed with kiddos and out of everything. Quarters for the kid room at the pizza parlor went suddenly extinct... the quarter machine went belly up and the cashiers were out as well. Let the begging commence! All in all, though, it was a great time.

Oh, pictures... you want pictures? Yeah, me, too. But I forgot my camera. I did get a couple of copies of the portraits they just had done at Sears, so I'll scan and post those in a few days. SUCH beautiful girls.

Haven't heard anything much on the adoption front in the last couple weeks, but I understand that I will be considered for a little girl that is available. She's 10. And beautiful. And precocious. Not all fun and games, though. There are some issues that will need work. I should know in a couple weeks or less if I'll be chosen to parent her. And still have my homestudy out for a couple other placements. The difficult two-some mentioned in a previous post (involving poo on walls) are not available, so I don't have to contemplate that further. I'll post any new news as it comes! And I'll try not to be so sporadic in my posts. (And in response to a previous query as to my considering foster-adopt, I have considered it, and the group I'm working with on the adoption nearly requires it, but it's not a good choice for me at this moment. I may move in that direction in six months, a year, or two years... we'll see.)

Finally, my Kobi-dog doesn't seem to be doing very well. We go in tomorrow for a regular oncology check-up, but that's not the issue - I don't think. He's bloated (but it's not "bloat"), lethargic and his appetite is way down. He seemed pretty punk when I was leaving town last Thursday, but I thought maybe it was just because he knew I was going. Except that his tummy seemed a little full, and he didn't quite finish his food - which was odd. He stayed with a friend, and I checked in with her. He didn't get any worse, and was actually eating and was somewhat chipper. But when I got home last night, I could tell in about two minutes that he was absolutely not okay. I checked in with his regular vet, and they couldn't take him. I called to see if we could move up his check-up scheduled for tomorrow, but couldn't do that either. The doc said, though, to take him off his herbs and give him some pep*cid*ac. I also fed him a chicken breast and brown rice mixed with some baby food of similar content. And he's been drinking water fine. And hasn't been throwing up or anything. So... Hopefully, it's nothin' big and we can go on enjoying a couple more years. Even if we're livin' on borrowed time as it is. My boy...

QUICK catch up updated

2008-05-12T10:05:00.005-07:00

Nothing to report kid-wise. Not a word. Not a nibble. Na-da. Just super busy with work. My bff has been working on screenplays and documentary narration writing, etc. We shot a music video Saturday that was months in the planning. It's just a fan video that will go on YouTube. I'll post it when it's completed if I'm not too embarrassed... :) I've already decided that because of my work... and because of google... I will not have my name listed in the credits for the video. That's not out of embarrassment, but rather just trying to maintain my professional env*iron*mental advocate status. Anywhoo, I'm looking forward to a short vacation and getting to see my nieces over Memorial Weekend! But now, I gotta get back to work.

UDPATE: Well, wouldn't you know it about two hours after posting I got a call from my adoption worker with 3 possible placements, including one group of 2 siblings. But wow... these kiddos are all really messed up. Of the sibling group, the 5-year-old boy has loud outbursts and meltdowns and wipes feces on the wall. Not sure if the shit-thing was a one-timer or if that's a consistent behavior. The 4-year-old girl also has temper tantrums. Don't know many kids who don't. And I'd hope that with intensive therapy over time, these kids would do better. Also a 6-year-old boy that was termed "emotionally disabled"... which frankly scared me a bit. I passed on him. The third was a soon to be 8-year-old boy who throws tantrums whenever he doesn't get what he wants. He was exposed to alcohol and cocaine in the womb, has ADHD and impulse control problems, and has terrible eating habits (likes junk - won't eat healthy food). I'm suppose to get more info soon so that I can decide whether or not I want to be considered for any of these kiddos. (right now I'm just shaking my head - not as in "no," but rather "wtf am I getting myself into?")

Happy Earth Day!

2008-04-22T17:30:00.002-07:00

Ari*zona's Fos*sil Cre*ek... this picture was taken in November 2007 with my camera phone during the re*patria*tion of en*dangered na*tive fi*shies to this re*stored stream. A day I'll never forget!

Two and two, bottom of the 5th

2008-04-09T20:27:00.003-07:00

Two strikes...

First, Re: adoption - I found out today that the psychologist for the little girl has recommended that the girl and her foster mom participate in 4 to 6 months of family therapy. I agree that all should be done to preserve the bond they've established, unless the foster mom just isn't committed. So I'm back in the active pool of potential adoptive parents. And grieving the loss of another little kiddo that won't be mine.

Second, Re: guy that gave me his number last week - I called him. And we talked over the course of a couple days. I started to feel kind of excited about him. We made plans. But the more we talked, the more I could tell it wasn't going to work for me. He was very aggressive. And manipulative. Believe it or not, I could pretty well figure out that dating him would be a miserable experience. So we canceled our plans and wished each other well. That was yesterday...

So at this point, I'm going to bed early. It was a rough couple of days. But I'll catch up with my blogger buddies first. And see if I can't check the lottery #s drawn today. SOMETHING good has to happen, right?

this, that and the other update

2008-04-05T11:43:00.003-07:00

The wait is grueling!

The little girl I may be adopting was the subject of a hearing last Thursday wherein the judge did not make any decision about her placement, at least in part because the psych-eval she was suppose to undergo did not happen prior to the hearing. It's scheduled instead for next Tuesday. Then, apparently, it takes a couple weeks for the eval to make its way to the judge. The judge may then decide... or he may schedule another hearing... or the caseworker may have to petition for removal of the child from her current placement... or ?

So I'm probably looking at another month. When I was told initially that I'd know last Thursday. Okay, at least I know I'm not alone. The wait and changes and delays are pretty normal.

Otherwise, things are okay. Except that I can't schedule anything because I don't know what's going on... I've had to family members, an aunt and a grandfather, pass away in the last two months. A family gathering is planned in honor of my aunt during Memorial weekend. The family gathering in honor of Granddad is scheduled for the first week in August. Both are in the NW around Bend. I need to buy plane tickets for two separate trips, except that I don't know if I'll have a child and whether or not that child can travel with me out of state... I obviously need to spend some time talking to my adoption worker to clarify my options and whether or not I, as an adoptive parent, qualify for respite care if it's too early or unaffordable for two airline tickets for what will be at least 3 trips to the NW this year - because we have to go at Christmas (if there is a "we," of course).

And what I sorta rambled over was the fact that two of my family members died this year... Aunt Jo was in poor health for awhile, but too young. Only 6 years older than my mother who is 65. But my aunt did not trust doctors or people in general, so did not get preventive care or address what was likely stomach cancer. She had been a wonderfully sweet woman as I was growing up. At some points she was a stay-at-home mom, unlike my own, and I loved going to stay with her and my two cousins in the summer. She gave me the attention I craved. But she was also a bit mentally unstable. Which came to a head by the time I and my cousins were in high school, shortly before her husband left her. The rest of her life - the last 20-some years - had been pretty miserable. I'm certain the peace she now has is a blessing.

My granddad was sufficiently old (is there such a thing?) - about 92. He fell and broke his hip. Then they found a blood clot in his lungs. They decided not to do surgery, and it was a matter of a couple days before he passed away. My folks were able to see him, comfort him, and tell him that we all loved him. I really wanted to fly up, but the expense... and we really didn't know if he'd be gone within hours or days. He was pretty incoherent after the first 24 hours. I take comfort that I did visit him and my aunt at Christmas, as well as my last surviving grandparent - Grandma Starr - who is 98! She has pretty severe dementia and broke her hip just before that as well - though they did succeed at surgery, she's pretty difficult to rehab. She's the energizer bunny, the dear. But I miss her - how she was. How very much she loved me. Which was loads and loads... I'm so lucky! Now, though, she barely remembers me most of the time.

Would you believe that I have not run a single time since I ran the marathon? Not even at the gym. I use the elliptical trainer, lift weights. But am gaining weight because I eat like I did when I was running 30-50 miles/week. And I didn't go to the gym all last week... My workout buddy and bff is "recovering" from a tattoo and was told not to work out for a week. And cuz I just can't get myself there on my own... I should go today. a-hem...

And I got asked out last week by a random guy at the supermarket! I haven't called him yet, but I may. He seemed cool enough. Maybe later. Or tomorrow. I bet he thinks I'll never call since he gave me his # last Wednesday. :) I jus' don't wanna upset my little apple cart. I'm completely fine alone. But I guess we could meet for coffee...

Ready for your close-up, Girls?

2008-03-19T22:04:00.003-07:00

Found myself playing instead of working this afternoon/evening... and here's what I did. Made my first movie! This is video I took with my digital camera last summer of my two darling nieces attempting yoga. Of course the older - 9 at the time - is slightly better at following instructions/copying than the 2 year old, but not by much. Added a silly song and some effects... voila! Video. Enjoy :)

Manic Sunday

2008-03-16T17:20:00.004-07:00

I was SO SICK last week!! I came down with (probably) the dreaded nasty norovirus and began the pukefest Monday night. I was still sick, although the puking stopped, Tuesday through Thursday. I finally felt somewhat slightly normal on Friday, although ti-reD with a capital D. I took Tuesday and Wednesday off from work. I couldn't do anything, but started catching up as much as I could on Thursday. I work from home most of the time, so it's a pretty easy deal that way. I don't have to shower to work...

But I'm back and in fine shape nows. Thank goodness! And I've been in rare form for a few days now. I can't seem to not say what's on my mind. For example, I went with my friend to a tattoo shop yesterday afternoon so she could finally talk to them about getting her first tattoo. While chatting with the shop-keep, he decided to show us his "realistic" joke tattoo - an "open wound" on his ankle. I told him it looked like an asshole. He laughed. A lot. Then said that that was actually the model or original concept that was morphed into the wound. He also said that in all this time, I was the only person to ever say that/guess that right. But c'mon, I don't know this guy and here I tell him his tattoo looks like an asshole?

I had such a fun day yesterday with my friend. We went to breakfast, then Sally Beauty for makeup and hair color and, and, and... then Walgreen's for more stuff, then to R's for a break. While she walked her dog, I applied some of my new makeup for funs. When she got back, we went to look for the new tattoo studio in the neighborhood that's owned by a woman who did a friend of R's gorgeous floral tattoos. Told you about that trip already. Oh, but just before that we stopped at a Mexican bakery and had pastries and coffee. So cheap and yummy!

R & I took a little break and went to our own homes to "do stuff." I went back over with Kobi to eat dinner and play scrabble, but we never got to the scrabble. We played with makeup at the kitchen table. She looked like some gorgeous vamp from Star Trek! I didn't go that crazy... just looked like I was ready for (somebody's) bed.

Today's been a little more mellow. I guess I wore myself out yesterday because I slept until almost 11:30 this morning! Makes for a short day...

I am getting very excited about the prospects of having a pre-teen girl. Scared as hell, too. But, we'll just have to see what happens. I still won't know anything until the 3rd of April. I have really noticed, though, that maybe out of self-preservation or just my knack for making the best of things, I find myself thinking: "What was I thinking wanting two little boys... that would have been crazy! Costco here I come. I'd be worn ragged. And those fun little trips to Sally Beauty? The boys wouldn't really enjoy that. A little girl would have a blast with the make up parties, scrabble, trips to L.A., etc., etc. I would be so pinned down with younger children, and more limited on 'fun' with boys..." Now I know that's not all true. I do know. But I'm making this all okay for myself to become a mother suddenly of a pre-teen when I originally started this to have a baby of my own. Strange twists and turns, but thankfully, honestly, I was very open to whatever. As long as I get to be a mom, have a family.

Here's pics of my current family. Enjoy!

New Poop

2008-03-05T22:45:00.002-07:00

I go hot pink tomorrow, Candace & Marcy. :) I scheduled a trim and pink tendrils. To go with my hot bubble-gum pink toenails. Yay! And here's why...

I gave an official "yes" to CPS and my agency that I am interested in the 11-year-old girl! And/BUT there's a court hearing early next month where a judge will determine whether or not she will be moved from her current placement. The workers want her moved, feeling that the current foster mom isn't doing all she should for the girl - such as getting her to counseling appointments. The lady has also gone back and forth on whether or not she wants to adopt the girl. So it's time to move her. But the judge could decide that she's moved enough already (7 placements since she went into care in 2004!). Although the workers think that if she's not moved now it's just delaying the inevitable.

So it'll be another month before I know whether or not I'm going to be mothering a pre-teen girl. And if the answer is yes, will the current foster mom work with us on a good transition, or will she just say "fine, just take her now," which wouldn't probably be in the child's best interest. So there's a lot I still dunno and won't know for awhile. ...but WOW! I will know in a few weeks. And we all know how both quickly and slowly a month can pass...

So that's my scoop! I suppose I will be changing the name of my blog soon... Maybe I'll hold a naming contest!! I do think that I'll want to adopt a second kiddo in the next 2-3 years, after my first has time to fully adjust. So exciting!!

Goodnight, Moon

2008-02-20T23:55:00.002-07:00

Woo! Where have I been? Around. Working mostly. A little down. A little up. It's all going okay, though. Really.

Had a quarterly visit from my adoption specialist today. It went fine, and forced me to do a little extra house cleaning. She told me about an 11-year-old girl that may need a new placement soon. Sounded like a good possibility, and she sounds like a good kid. I told her I'd consider it. Hopefully I'll hear in a couple weeks. And for whatever reason, there are just not a lot of kids free and clear for adoption getting presented by Child Protective Services lately. I want to complain -- maybe even threaten to find a new agency... Maybe what I should do is find some other adoptive hopeful families and compare notes.

It's been a stormy night with rain, lightning and thunder - and even a couple of brief power outages. Kobi-dog hates storms. He sat with his head under my thigh through most of it. Poor guy. It's quieted down now, and so has he. Unfortunately, the clouds were heavy during the majority of the lunar eclipse, so essentially missed that. Oh, well. Next one is December 2010! Something "else" to look forward to.

Thinking I'll change my green tendrils for hot pink soon. Or maybe blue. But probably pink... Votes?

New do

2008-02-07T20:22:00.000-07:00

I got my hair cut a couple nights ago. I'd decided I wanted something COMPLETELY different. Last Friday night I walked into a salon and looked at their hair magazines. Picked something and said, "can you do this? do you think it will look good on me??" Both confirmed, I made the appointment. I tried to get her to cut it shorter in the back, but she didn't want it to look like a wedge. So it ended up like this:

and it was cute (the long front tendrils are GREEN! can you tell?), but I thought the back was too long. It looked a little boxy, so I went back in today...

and I like it a lot better!!

Still green tendrils. But a little more sporty and dramatic.

I plan on blaming a mid-life crisis...

Cuteness wins!

2008-02-04T21:10:00.000-07:00

I have got THE CUTEST NIECES EVER!! Check out these pixies...

M*m*, 2.75 years

L*x*, 10.2 years

And I just love 'em to pieces!!!

And because I just gotta keep relivin' the moment... me at the finish line of the marathon. Slow but happy!

Juno it's about time.... UPDATED

2008-01-21T17:12:00.000-07:00

I'm still basking in the glow of my success and running prowess.... Heh! Except for the sometimes excruciating pain in my left foot. I hope I didn't fracture a bone. I have incredibly flat feet (they make suction cup farty noises if I walk barefoot across a damp hard surface), and wear arch supports in my athletic shoes. Not ideal for running long distances. If the pain keeps up, I'll go in for an x-ray or check with my podiatrist.

Last Saturday I got a call from the two little boys' court-appointed advocate. He wanted to check in with me, ask me some questions, and let me know that the "team" will be deciding on a permanent home for the boys on Tuesday (tomorrow!). These are the two little boys ages 3 and 4 who were meth babies. I am one of 8 families being considered. And one of the families is the foster mother (or foster parents, not sure). I want to take it as a really good sign that I was notified about the boys on my birthday, and that his call happened the same day I went and saw the movie "Juno"--I went to the early show and got his call in the afternoon. "Juno," if you haven't heard about it or seen it, is about a teenage girl who gets pregnant, decides to have the baby and picks a couple to adopt the child. The fact that it's smart and sassy and has some terrific lines, albeit somewhat over the top and unlikely, is beside the point. SPOILER ALERT! STOP NOW - SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH! The fact that she picks a couple that later breaks up and she still chooses the wife to be a single mother to her baby is where the rubber meets the road in my connecting the call to the movie.

Needless to say, I'm obsessing about the boys, whether or not it will be a good match, whether or not I'll even be chosen, how likely or not is it that I'll be chosen given the odds, what does it mean that he called me, and when he asked if the case worker or anyone else had called me yet and they hadn't, does that mean the others aren't considering me? Okay, yeah. Since I'd prefer not to be disappointed, I think I'll go with: "It's unlikely that I will be chosen, but I'm glad I've been considered... I have to trust that the caseworker, child advocate, and whoever else is making the decision are best positioned to choose a good match. I will be happy for the boys whatever the outcome. A good match will happen for me eventually."

I should know by Wednesday. And you'll be the 4th to know once I hear. (First being my mom, 2nd sister, and 3rd R...)

TUESDAY NIGHT UPDATE: I still don't know, but I'm assuming it's a no go for me. I found the kiddos foster mom's website - just a little google action and what do you know!? The family has 7 kids, and the two little ones have a biological baby sister. Sheesh... I'd hate to break them up. I think the foster family probably got them, but I should know that for certain tomorrow. ALSO found out that the younger of the two is a GIRL! not a boy. She's absolutely beautiful - they both are. Little blond darlings. Anywho. I will post again when I know for sure, for sure.

WEDNESDAY MORNING UPDATE: I was not chosen. ...maybe next time... This is a very frustrating process. From now on, if the foster family are in the mix of families "vying" for a child or children, I'm going to just assume they will likely get the placement. And I will need to further consider becoming a foster-to-adopt parent. Basically I just need to shell out some money for home repairs to the home I rent (yes, unfair) so it would pass inspection for a foster care license. Alright. I'm running late... Thanks all for your well wishes!

I did it!

2008-01-14T14:28:00.000-07:00

Butt slings and birthday parties

2008-01-06T18:14:00.000-07:00

The timing must mean something, right? At least I hope so...

Last Friday was my birthday - #44!! - and my adoption worker called me. It's been weeks since I'd heard anything from her. She told me about a pair of young brothers - 3 and 4 - that were legally free and ready for adoption! She wanted to know if she should forward my homestudy to their caseworker... DUH! Yes, please!!

They are not problem free, though. Meth babies. And the older will have permanent handicaps due, most likely, to the drugs. The younger is bright and on track developmentally. I will need a lot more information before I make a final decision - that is if I even get that opportunity. We'll see what the caseworker says. But I'm very excited that SOMETHING has happened. I'm so ready!

My birthday was great. Had a lovely dinner and dessert with friends and went to an art opening for one of them. I still need to put air in my new bike's tires so I can enjoy the "gift" from my folks. Funny thing - I only got two birthday cards and they were both from friends I had dinner with. I did get the requisite phone calls from my sister and her girls singing Happy Birthday - it was SO CUTE!! I could totally pick out each of their voices, and the 2.5-year-old was singing with mucho gusto! Also singing calls from my best friend and my mom. It was a really good day.

Since then, my best friend and I have been going to the gym on a freebie week long membership. It's been a blast. This helps me keep up with the gains I made working out for two weeks in Seattle courtesy of my sister. Let's hear it for cardio equipment and weight machines... YAY!! I'm SUPPOSE to run a marathon this next Sunday. Not sure... my "ass" gave out at 10 miles today. I have some very tight tendons and muscles that have been aggravated for more than a month. I'm going to make a concerted effort to stretch this week. Will be interesting. I'm a little afraid I either won't finish or won't finish in time (which is the same thing, because they'll pick you up and shuttle you if you're not done in time...). But I will give it a shot. Wish me luck!!

Tra-la-la

2008-01-02T17:25:00.000-07:00

Oh, my goodness gracious!! I can't believe it's been more than a month since I posted and two weeks since I checked my dear friends' blogs! There's lots of happiness to ring in the New Year with (Marcy, Tracey, RaJen), and there are good times to come for the rest of us. I'm wishing ALL the brightest of futures and a wonderful year!!

I had a lovely Christmas break with family and friends. I stayed at my sister's north of Seattle with my two lovely nieces and parents. My sister bought me a two week pass to her gym, and I took full advantage of it. I also visited a couple friends in Portland, my grandparents in central Oregon, and my cousin and his partner in Seattle. I didn't work or check email for two full weeks! It was so fabulous... Of course now I'm trying to crack through 500 plus emails, but doing a decent job of it.

I have heard absolutely nothing about my adopting kiddos. I had been contacted about one little boy, but it wasn't a good fit. Nothing since. And none of my inquiries have panned out as of yet. But it's a new year, and good things are gonna happen!

Can't believe how boring I am. I'll make a resolution to be more interesting and funny... starting tomorrow.

Dis 'n Dat

2007-11-30T21:39:00.000-07:00

oof! What a couple 'a weeks!! I've just felt absolutely exhausted. Not sure if it's because it's cooled down here or what. And it's pouring rain today - LOVELY! First rainy day we've had in months. My marathon training has been suffering from having taken a couple weeks off and never really getting back into it. A run here. A run there. I did 18 miles once in early October. Since then, nothing more than 10 miles, and that only once. I've got to really hit it for all of December! Even when I'm on vacation in the NW for the last two weeks of the month.

Have also decided that for at least ONE WEEK, I will go to bed at 9 (oops, already 9:45), get up at 5 (tomorrow's Saturday, so I'll sleep in until 6), run 4-5 days/week, and NOT go back to bed after my run. Yeah. I've been doing that a lot. Get up, run, take a nap. I think that's part of the reason I'm exhausted all the time. So I'm going to make a concerted effort to get 8 hours sleep and not nap after my runs.

I bought myself a bike for my birthday -- actually, I asked my parents if they would buy me a bike for my birthday, they said yes, so I ordered it and it came fedex today. (My b-day's not until January.) I put it together, but I need a couple of different tools. Like spanners. Until then, my seat will not be tight. Once I get it all finished, I'll post a pic. It's a sweet cruiser that looks just like this, except I added fenders!

Bad news this week on the Nut*risys*tem front... they decided to add fish paste to all of their lunches! Calling it Omega*Sol without the asterisk. Which means their otherwise meatfree vegetarian meal plan is no longer vegetarian. So, I'm going to send back all of my Omega-enhanced lunches and cancel my membership. Good news, I've lost 30 pounds. I still have 15 to go, but I should be fine. My diet was kick-started, and I can handle it from here.

I don't know anything else right now except it's almost 10 and I'm an hour late for bed... I really enjoyed spending this evening reading my friends' blogs and catching up on their lives. I'm keeping you all in my thoughts, even when I'm "absent."

Glam

2007-11-14T18:16:00.000-07:00

I'm back from Hollywood! My good friend R & I drove out Saturday morning and returned Monday. We took our dogs and made quite a weekend of it - although it was mostly devoted to the film festival. The event was pretty great. And I did get to meet Ted Danson! (my back is to the camera...)
I elicited a total "Sam Malone" moment from him when I told him about some f*ish r*estoration work I'd done recently (he narrated the film about the creek the f*ish went into). "Wow..." accompanied by a slight bend backwards. :)

Also found myself standing about two feet from Angelina Jolie's brother at one point... Didn't get the best picture of him (James Haven), but it's something (of course I didn't take a picture when I was right next to him).

And here's what I looked like -
Yep - did it up as best I could... And it really was a lot of fun.

Other, more important update - my grandma is doing okay after her hip surgery. She's been pretty out of it, but she should be able to start doing physical therapy in a week or so and will very hopefully be able to walk again.

I haven't heard any more about the brothers in Oregon, but the caseworker should have my home study by now!

More jazz

2007-11-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

What an up and down week I've had!! The bad news: my 98-year-old grandma fell and broke her hip 3 days after her birthday; my neighbor lady had a heart attack; and I had a really frantic, f*d up day on Tuesday (same day Grandma fell) that I've still barely recovered from. Good news: grandma's surgery went fine (once Mom went down and talked her into it); neighbor lady will be going through some additional testing, but hopes to be home tomorrow--it was a mild heart attack; I got to help reintroduce some end*angered f*ish last Friday into a special creek we've worked to restore; and on Saturday I am going to a Hollywood screening of a documentary about that same creek, participating in the Q&A panel following the screening and then attending a red carpet and awards event Sunday!! I had to shop for just the right accessories today (including sp*anx)... Here's to hoping it's wonderful!

On the kiddo front, I found a couple of troubled cuties in Oregon that might be a good match for me, so had my adoption worker send my home study yesterday. We'll see what their caseworker thinks. They're younger - 2-1/2 & 4-1/2. But they've been through hell and really need a permanent, stable, serene, loving home. Of course I'll keep y'all posted.

I haven't caught up on my dear blogger buddies' blogs yet. Hopefully I can do that soon!! In the meantime, ladies, hope you're taking good care of yourselves and gearing up for the holidays. (The clothing store I shopped at today was playing Christmas tunes. 'Tis the season...) *mwah!*

And all that jazz

2007-11-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

Oh dearest goodness... I have so lapsed! Whatever it is, it's getting worse.

I had traveled - to D.C., then to a staff retreat. Followed by a week long visit from my momma. She left Saturday, and I missed her the moment I said goodbye. Moped around all weekend. Still moping, in fact!

While she was here, we went to Ikea and I bought bunkbeds for my yet to be identified little ones! Aren't they cute? A friend did ask, "and what if you need a crib?" Answer: My sister will send me hers. Problem solved. But I don't think it's very likely. I'll be surprised and happy if the kids are under 10. (Still hoping for two.)

I was in Super Target--I know! I refuse to go to Walmart of any size, but I'll go to Target? I'm such a hypocrit!-- yesterday and while I was familiarizing myself with the rows of Archer Farms offerings, saw a gal riding around on one of those electric chairs. I glanced and thought, she's not THAT old... Hmmm, what's up? She answered my silent question while rubbing her rounded belly, "They're really upset with me right now.... but only three weeks to go, if I can make it that far." "Twins? Congratulations!" I said, all the time focusing on her age--I think she's older than me! Well, something worked for her. And my congrats were sincere.

I'd better get back to work, but will try to catch up on my "reading" and blogging soon!!

Job Title Debacle

2007-10-18T15:53:00.000-07:00

NOTE: Read "Grinder House" first, and then if you feel compelled to find out more details about the work stuff, continue...

Here's a doctored up version of the letter I emailed my bosses... It will explain a bit about the job title issue as well as the work hell I've been going through. Don't be distressed that the letter makes absolutely no sense since I've replaced organization and project names with blocks of letters--it didn't make any sense before I changed it.

This is about so much more than just a job title.

Bigger picture: no one has effectively communicated to me what their or the XXXX’s vision is for my position or the now apparently defunct YYYY Program.

First off, I want to make it clear that I truly value the work the XXXX does and am so very proud to be a part of it. I love my job. And I want to continue doing my job. But, I am unhappy with how things have evolved and how I have been left out of the discussion. And if you’ll bear with me, I need to lay this out so you can be clear as to why I’m feeling unhappy and undervalued.

A few years ago, the XXXX’s work was split into more manageable parts called “programs.” I was made YYYY Program Director. I wrote a program plan, but received little support or guidance. I had big ideas of what the YYYY Program might become over the next few years, particularly if I were to get some support and staff. I thought we would do more work to achieve ZZZZ designations throughout the west. And to change western w*a*ter policy. I hoped to achieve prioritization of restoring native f*i*sh, starting in Arizona, and then branching into other states. The SSPP Campaign and VVVV Campaign would be models for future r*i*ver or w*a*tershed campaigns. I wasn’t sure how to make all of this happen, particularly when I was still required to work part of the time as R’s assistant. But I figured that if I kept my head down and worked away at it, I’d eventually get some of that support, authority and growth that seemed promised with the job title. Over time, I did less work for R and became more exclusively YYYY Program focused.

But then the YYYY Program was “maybe” moved to PPPP Program around last year’s staff retreat after the DDDD and FFFF programs’ leadership bowed out. P was then head of the PPPP Program and led a small group meeting at the retreat. I wasn’t clear whether I was in PPPP Program, and P didn’t know either. M assured us we’d sort this out. Then there was a PPPP Program meeting in May at M2’s house which I attended. P and I were still uncertain whether YYYY was in the PPPP Program, but P said he did not think so. Then I got an email from M on June 13, while I was on vacation, that said I was in the BBBB Program. I was told it had more to do with “funding requests” than anything else. So I kept working. And was never once contacted by K, supposedly my new boss. But that was okay, because M said the move would have zero to do with my day to day work, and that I would continue to work independently.

In the meantime, R2 was hired to run the SSPP b*a*llot in*i*tiative campaign. I was told by M before R2 was hired that the SSPP campaign was part of the YYYY Program. But then the hiring of the campaign manager went on without me. I was not given any choice or consideration. I LIKE R and have no problem with him. But as it had been previously stated that his position and the campaign were in the YYYY Program, and the YYYY Program was never officially removed or renamed, I had some expectations that the SSPP campaign was under my purview. Yet I was left out of the loop again and again.

On July 2, a PPPP Program call was scheduled. I emailed P and wrote that since I’d been moved to BBBB Program, I wouldn’t be on the call unless he thought I should be… he did not reply. Then a PPPP Program meeting was scheduled for San Francisco. YYYY was not included on the agenda. A couple days before the meeting, R asked me if I was going. I said no, because I was not in the PPPP Program. He asked me to put together my work project list. He said he was going to advocate for me, that YYYY was an important program. At least that’s what I thought he said. Right after the PPPP Program meeting, however, R called and said “you’re definitely in the PPPP Program.” I was surprised and a little upset as I’d assumed he would be advocating for the retention of the YYYY Program. And I guess I’d hoped that I might finally get some support.

Instead, I feel like a football that’s been kicked around that nobody has wanted to pick up. Nobody is fighting for the YYYY Program. Indeed, there is, apparently, no YYYY Program and, instead, just a couple YYYY campaigns. And I’m not clear whether or not I am a generic C*o*nservation Adv*o*cate working on various c*o*nservation activities no longer focused on “r*i*vers” or if I’m a R*i*vers C*o*nservation Adv*o*cate.

Additionally, whether or not you are considering my title change and current situation a demotion, it will certainly be looked at in that way from outside as well as inside our organization. Changing me from a program director to a c*o*nservation adv*o*cate strips me of any authority, perceived or otherwise. And if I’d made assumptions that I had some authority which was never actually given me as the YYYY Program Director, it is due at least in part to a lack of communication from leadership.

If I am being demoted because I have not lived up to leaderships’ expectations, I think there needs to be some recognition that your expectations were never clearly identified for me, nor was I effectively supported in my efforts. And I will take responsibility for not forcing this issue, making more demands and making greater headway.

At this point, I would like to have my job description and job title made excruciatingly clear. (and then I go into some of my specific work responsibilities and accomplishments)

I know that I’m doing good work and believe that my contributions to the XXXX are valued, whether or not that’s been coming through in the past year’s program deliberations. I think we can work through this. But I need leadership to do a better job of communicating with me and advocating for me. And I’m certainly open to hearing what I can do differently to improve my work performance and my working relationships with all of you.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to better clarifying my position and job title -

Still holding your breath? Or did you give up??

I'm now the R*i*vers C*o*nservation M*a*nager...

Grinder House

2007-10-18T15:29:00.000-07:00

Damn. I was feeling all happy and loved after reading Tracey's blog, laughed at the brilliant wit that Mimi keys, and then got a gut punch catching up with LookyDaddy! Now, if you read LookyDaddy's more recent posts, you'll see that Kathryn and family are doing okay, but I just can't imagine how horrible that had to be for her parents!!

Besides the blog world up and downs, my real world has been up and down, too.

UP - I'm less than 20 lbs from my goal weight!

DOWN - I haven't run in over a week...

UP - My mom is coming to visit for a week, arriving this Saturday!

DOWN - My sister can't run the marathon in Seattle Thanksgiving, so I'm going to delay my trip until Christmas... and will delay my marathon run until January.

UP - I found more kiddos on Adopt Us Kids to inquire about!

DOWN - Haven't heard anything back from the caseworker for 3 of the sibling groups and the one I did hear back from already has a family they're working with.

UP - Had a staff retreat in the gorgeous Chiricahua mountains in southeastern Arizona - creeks and changing tree leaves and great people!

DOWN - Internal work communications suck and I became upset to the point of tears several times over the past week & weekend.

UP - Got brave and wrote my bosses about my unhappiness, mistreatment and misunderstandings hoping to clear the air and get some clarity!

DOWN - Was essentially told to suck it up...

UP - Turns out I wasn't demoted after all and the job title change is insignificant!

DOWN - so why was I so upset? BECAUSE NOBODY WOULD EXPLAIN IT TO ME

UP - My landlord is almost done remodeling the third bedroom!

DOWN - My landlord is NOT done remodeling the third bedroom, yet is charging me $70 more in rent each month to pay for the remodel and energy use of a third bedroom...

BUT, to keep it in perspective, I'm healthy, I'm certified to adopt and it should happen anytime, I still love my job, my puppy dog is doing great, my car runs, I have wonderful family and friends... And I send my love out to everyone who is having a bad day, a bad week, a bad year... Hugs!

Oh, no... that's okay. Really...

2007-10-05T18:50:00.000-07:00

It's with very pouty lip that I write that "my boys" will not be my boys. I finally got word today that their caseworker has already contacted the families they are considering, and seeing as she didn't contact me... Yeah. It's hard to give up the idea of them. But, some other kiddos are out there, just waitin' for us to connect.

I'm also pouty 'cuz a good friend is moving to North Carolina tomorrow. I saw her this evening for a bit. Fought back a tearful goodbye. Pooh...

I have to pick out a new job title. "Director" no longer fits... "but you know it's not a demotion or anything... just..." Yeah. I know. But how're the people I deal with on the outside going to know? Well, Mayor, I'm the coordinator errr, advocate... ummmm... manager... associate? No, not the director. There's no director. But, yeah, you still have to listen to me... please? Whatever.

It really wasn't a bad day. Just a bunch of pissy parts to it. I'm gonna go eat and rest up for my 18-mile run tomorrow... (I'm just hoping I make it 15 miles!)

The Great Balancing Act

2007-10-01T15:16:00.001-07:00

I have SO MUCH catching up to do! But figured I'd better post a note before y'all started worrying about me.

I had a great trip to D.C. To start, we'll get the goofy shot of me on a Segway out of the way... Did a 2-hour tour with "Segs*in*the*City" of some of the buildings of note. Then did a self-guided tour of the Washington, Lincoln and Jefferson monuments/memorials. I was exhausted!! And you'd think that 2 hours on a Segway would be no big deal, right? But standing in one position for 2 straight hours is agonizing! My lower back was bitchin'. Then add to that a few hours of walking, and I got my share of exercise--DESPITE HAVING BLOWN OFF THE RUNNING FOR THE WEEKEND. Yep. I just didn't have the time or energy before I left to run. And I didn't run when I was in D.C. And I haven't run since I got back!!!! TOMORROW! It begins again.

After playing tourist, I got down to the business at hand and played lobbyist. I talked to one house rep, the staffs of three other house reps, and the staff of two senators. Great experience, and I hope to do it again sometime. Besides the fact that D.C. is just a fabulous historic city. I loved it.

Absolutely no word on the kiddos. Hopefully will get to see some more profiles soon. It's tough waiting, but I'm sure it will all be worth it in time.

I'll post more pictures later. xoxo

C-C-C-Crazy

2007-09-20T20:03:00.001-07:00

Jus' so nobody worries, thought I'd post a big "I'm here but running madly about in circles, hair flying, plastic-comb bound books dusting a paper dandruff trail..."

I'm bound for DC on Saturday morning, so plan to try to jog my 16 miles tomorrow morning. Have buckets of work to do before I leave, and I won't be back until Wednesday. While in DC, I plan to do some site-seeing, although it may just end up being 4 hours in the Smithsonian. Will meet up with some of my congressional delegates or their staff on Monday/Tuesday (aka lobbying). And then to the airport about 4 am Wednesday to fly back. Ewww.

Here's to hoping: I get through my long jog tomorrow; I get my work done before I leave; and the Hilton has exercise facilities so I can work out on the road--running downtown Phoenix at 4 in the morning is scary enough... don't think I want to tackle the streets of DC. Cheers!!

Hold on tight!

2007-09-14T17:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, first off: WWAAAAHHHHH!!!! I'm in such a poopy mood today! and yesterday. I think it may in part be hormone related, but work is just pissin' me off. And not so much the work itself... although there's too f'ing much of it. But the people. And the lack of recognition and respect and consideration. Found out a good friend and former co-worker was essentially forced out of her position. And something that I thought was going to happen for me not only didn't, but it turned out practically opposite. I feel underpaid and under-appreciated. Times 10. And I can look forward to having to work pretty much through my weekend. Woo!

Deep breath... My adoption specialist has still been unable to talk to the boys' caseworker, but she indicated she was going to try to get ahold of the caseworker's supervisor to find out what's going on. I'd also inquired about looking at kiddos from out-of-state. I'll have to pay about $40 for each home study sent to out-of-state caseworkers. But I did find out that any subsidies that come with the kids goes across state lines, too. Must be a federal subsidy... Not that I was counting on getting money, but it would certainly help with childcare and the college funds.

On a totally positive note, the running has been going great. My weight doesn't seem to want to budge, but no worries. I'm smaller and can fit into some of my old clothes (the transition clothes between almost skinny and really fat--my closet ranges from size 12 to 18/XL, so I'm in some of my 16s now, and one of my over-sized 14s).

Good news - I'm in a better mood already. Maybe because it's after 6pm on a Friday night and I can legitimately quit working now. Or maybe because I blew off some steam. Or maybe because I reminded myself of the nuggets of positive things. I just feel better. Thanks for taking the mood-swing journey with me!!

Wouldn't it be nice...

2007-09-05T18:43:00.000-07:00

Man, I've got nothin' to report... Haven't heard anything about anything. Oh, except that I can state my official date of certification was 8/18, my sister's birthday. So that makes it memorable. Otherwise, nada.

Work is tough... good, but tough. How to get a region of communities to work together regarding water resources, growth planning and habitat conservation? Rare that it works out. But we keep trying. Gotta have hope.

Everything on the diet and exercise front is going just fine. I'm really hoping to break 200# in the next couple weeks. Let's say by 9/20! My run on Saturday will be 14 miles. (shoot me)

I haven't spoken of men in quite some time, and gotta say that I rarely think of them, or rather, that I have much need of one. I did entertain hooking up with a former beau who's let me know he's available for such activities, but haven't done it. And now with the Z*lift I've been taking I'm not sure I'd enjoy it all that much. I really feel absolutely fine with moving forward with my life as a single woman and single mother. Not sure I'd even want to "hassle" with a partner. Now, having said that, I am extremely jealous of my blogger friends who are in wonderful, committed relationships... How nice would that be? I have never experienced it. I don't think I'm even open to it at this point. ...wouldn't know what it looked like, for me, if it hit me square in the face. That doesn't mean I can't have a fulfilling life and family, though. Thank goodness!!

I'm SO GLAD my life is no longer on hold and is instead moving toward a wonderful goal of motherhood! That's not to say I don't occasionally feel totally freaked about the prospect as well. That happens almost daily - "holy shit, I could be a mom any day (month)... that's gonna be really, really tough..." But it will be really, really fabulous as well.

I feel so joyous tonight finding out that Rajen will be mommies!!! And the lovely posts of Jen's belly (and her teeny tiny feet)! Just feelin' warm all over....

I'm Certified!!

2007-08-28T15:49:00.001-07:00

Received word today that the judge has signed off on my paperwork, and I am certified to adopt! Phew! Now it's just more wait and see about placement of kiddos... My adoption specialist says she's left several messages for "the boys'" caseworker and has never received a call back. So I'm waiting, waiting... tap-tap-tap

Had to run 12 miles last Saturday and it KICKED MY ASS! Uck. But it sure made the 4 miles I did today seem E-Z. 10 miles this coming Saturday, then 14 the following. I have lost 17 lbs on NS so far! Feeling a bit more like my ol'self. At least I can fit into my old fat clothes. :)

cupcake

2007-08-22T22:49:00.000-07:00

Just a brief update (although a cupcake would be sweeter): I have not received notice yet of my certification, so the adoption specialist could not represent me at the big meeting. It was okay, though, because the brothers that were a possibility for me are getting adopted by their foster mom. I still have not heard word-one back from "the boys'" agency--whether they received my home study, have any interest in talking with me or my adoption specialist... nothin'. So I'm just waiting at this point.

Did get my landlord to open up the 3rd bedroom of this house, but it's still piled high with the crap he's been storing in there. Soon as we can clean it out, put the door up, paint, install new flooring, etc., it will be ready for kiddos, and I won't have to move my office. OR, if the kiddos are different genders, they can each have their own room (and the office will be absorbed elsewhere). Planning to work on the room this weekend.

Still running and my hands are healing. Starting a second month of N*S. Still going okay, so will stick with it a bit longer. I'd like to be down to 190 or below by the marathon (remember, I'm 6'2" tall)--that's 3 full months to lose 20 pounds. I think I can do it or at least get close. s'long as I stay away from the cupcakes... (haven't had one, just sounds so damn good tonight!)

Going, going...

2007-08-15T18:51:00.001-07:00

No word yet about "the boys," although I didn't expect there to be. I did go to the adoption agency today and watch a video about several kiddos that need homes. Next week there will be some big meeting between DES caseworkers and adoption specialists where the same kids will be presented and the specialists will be presenting the families that are interested in those kids. There was a sibling set that I thought might work, although I really want MY boys, Brandon and Cordell. If my certification comes through in the next couple days, my specialist will be able to represent me at the meeting as interested in the sibling set. There's likely going to be other families interested in them as well. Apparently they're going to try to sort out placements for these kids that day. This is a new, untried type of meeting - usually it's just for one or two kids at a time.

I should also note that if my certification does not come through in the next couple days, I won't be included in this placement meeting. Which might be okay, because it's not Brandon and Cordell on the stage (or "auction block"?). This is such a strange way to go about "having children." Watching tapes of kids or observing them in their natural settings; ie. group homes, foster homes, etc. Competing with other families to be the right or best placement option. Looking at the children's past, their behavioral issues and developmental issues and deciding if they fit with your family. Necessary given the circumstances. But strange nonetheless.

My specialist did say that she'd heard last Friday that one of the other families whose application she filed the same day she filed mine was in the review stage with the judge, which would indicate I would be likely at the same place or nearly so. Should be SOON!

If the personality fits, wear it!

2007-08-15T18:04:00.001-07:00

Okay... me too. I've apparently changed! Used to be an ISTJ, now an ESTP. And I think it mostly fits. I am, in a sense, a promoter or marketer or agent for plants, animals, and wild places. I have to speak publicly to educate, argue, advocate. I attend a lot of meetings, write a lot of controversial comments. To do my job even better, I could be even bolder. So here goes:

ESTP - The "Persuader"

ESTPs are action-loving, "here and now" realists with excellent people skills. Informal, risk-taking, fast-paced and adaptable, they are not always in agreeance with rules and regulations. They are tactical problem solvers that desire quick results. ESTPs, who present a friendly and enthusiastic face, are straightshooters that are able to handle criticism.

About the ESTP - Expert Quotes & Links

"These are the ultimate realists. Extraverted Sensors are at one with objects and experiences now, in the only living, pulsing moment that ever really exists. The Sensor is compelled to see, touch, taste, smell and feel all that moves, wafts, tingles, tinkles, scintillates, vibrates or resonates" - ESTP Profile (TypeLogic)

"Promoters are men and women of action. When someone of this personality is present, things begin to happen: the lights come on, the music plays, the game begins." - The Portrait of the Promoter Artisan (eStP) (Keirsey)

"likes to lead, likes sports, risk taker, tends to dominate conversations, fearless, can handle criticism" - Jung Type Descriptions (ESTP) (similarminds.com)

"Enthusiastic and excitable, ESTPs are "doers" who live in the world of action. Blunt, straight-forward risk-takers, they are willing to plunge right into things and get their hands dirty. They live in the here-and-now, and place little importance on introspection or theory. The look at the facts of a situation, quickly decide what should be done, execute the action, and move on to the next thing." - Portrait of an ESTP (The Personality Page)

"At work, ESTPs contribute a straightforward attitude that calls on people to make things happen quickly. They keep things lively and are willing to take personal and organizational risks. They enjoy crises and like to dive right in and skillfully negotiate through them." - ESTP - The Adventurer (Lifexplore)

Famous ESTPs

Real ESTP People
* Ann Jillian - actress
* Bruce Willis - actor (Die Hard)
* Cybil Shepherd - actress
* Donald Trump - businessman, TV personality
* Eddie Murphy - actor, comedian
* Ernest Hemingway - American novelist
* Jack Nicholson - actor
* Jacob (Israel) - Isaac's son, Abraham's grandson
* James Buchanan - American President
* Jimmy Conners - tennis player
* Joan Cusack - actress, comedian
* Lucille Ball - actress (I Love Lucy)
* Madonna - singer
* Mae West - actress
* Michael J. Fox - actor (Back to the Future)
* Roy Rogers - singer, actor
* Simon Peter - Disciple of Jesus

Fictional ESTPs (Characters)
* Bart Simpson - The Simpsons
* Bernie Bernbaum - Miller's Crossing
* Elle Driver - Kill Bill Vol. 1
* Jake "J.J" Gittes - Chinatown
* James Bond - James Bond Series
* John Parker - Alien
* Krusty the Klown - The Simpsons
* Louie DePalma - Taxi
* Sidney Falco - Sweet Smell of Success
* Sonny Corleone - Godfather
* Spike Spiegel - Cowboy Bebop
* Tuco - The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
* Vincent Vega - Pulp Fiction

ESTP Career Matches

ESTPs are often happy with the following jobs which tend to match well with the Persuader/Creator personality.

* Agent
* Auditor
* Carpenter
* Comedian
* Computer Tech Support
* Computer Technician
* Craftsman
* Detective
* Driver
* Engineer
* Entrepreneur
* Farmer
* Firefighter
* Laborer
* Marketer
* Military
* Network Specialist
* Paramedic/EMT
* Police
* Project Manager
* Sales Representative

gains and losses

2007-08-10T19:11:00.000-07:00

A potentially good piece of news! The boys' adoption agency requested I send them my homestudy (or rather have my agency send it). So apparently they will consider me, I'm just not sure how seriously. It sounded as though I may have some competition as the woman at their agency said they had several homestudies to go through and they just haven't had time... Okay. Their agency hasn't been very pleasant to deal with up to this point. We'll see if it turns around.

On the bummer side, I fell when running this morning and scraped the shit out of my palms, banged up my knees and torqued my back... I'm suppose to run 10 miles in the morning. We'll see about that, too. (I have a picture of my left palm, which is the worst of my wounds... I could post it, but wouldn't want to alienate you, dear readers and super-supporters. So you'll have to click here to see it.)

If I haven't announced it already, I've lost 10# since I started NS on 7/17. Woohoo!!

So hoping the dream bubble don't pop...

2007-08-08T18:37:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling a bit antsy... I still haven't heard from my adoption specialist whether she's made contact with the boys' caseworker. Finally, yesterday, I went ahead and emailed the caseworker listed on their profile (I know it's the wrong guy, but he should forward it, right?) as well as the contact person for the agency. I finally figured out (I'm registered on the Adopt US Kids website, so now I can find out more info about the kiddos and send inquiries to their case workers) that the boys are in or near Tucson as that's where the agency is that's handling their adoption. And now it's been 24 hours and no reply. I cc'd my adoption specialist on the email. She hasn't sent me a note or called either.

And this all has me facing the very real prospect that maybe I won't be able to adopt Brandon and Cordell. The "powers-that-be" might rather hold out for a "couple" than place them with me. That these two adorable little faces that have become a part of my daily thoughts might have to exit my memory. And that feels like a major loss.

You see they have really captured my imagination--more so than the infant for which I was TTC. I had faces and names, races and genders and ages for these two guys. I certainly didn't know that much about the baby that never formed in my womb. And because I adored them on sight, even though I knew there was a possibility that they would never be mine, they became the official stand-ins for "my kids." When I think about rides to school or the museum or chasing around the park, it's with Brandon and Cordell. When I think of going to Ikea and picking out bedroom furniture of their very own, I think of going with Brandon and Cordell. When I think of introducing my kiddos to my family and my friends, the kiddos are Brandon and Cordell. And it really, really hurts to think that my kiddos may not be them. And I have to open myself up for some other kids. Kids that right now, to me, don't have faces or names or genders or ages... just ranges and possibilities.

Bleh... it stinks.

I KNOW! I totally set myself up. And I said I wasn't going to do that. But as the weeks and months wore on (I saw their picture at the end of March or beginning of April), I've sorta slipped. But you know I'll muddle through, whatever. I just wish that dream, the one with Brandon and Cordell, would come true.

NS = MRE

2007-08-02T18:26:00.000-07:00

mmmm... sitting here enjoying another delicious NS meal... They're essentially MREs. Getting up at 4 a.m. to run, I feel like I'm in bootcamp! (ha... I wouldn't last two days)

Nothing new here, really. Still waiting to find out about the kiddos. I did stress to my adoption specialist that I'm fairly desperate to find out. I do know that my homestudy has been submitted to the courts as of last Friday. I'll be entered into the central registry as ready to adopt so social workers throughout the state will have access to my info. I've also registered with Adopt US Kids, a national network.

I'm so boring!! At least life is fairly uneventful at the moment... unlike some people's (Michell). Cheers to all!!

Faster off foot than on...

2007-07-30T17:25:00.000-07:00

Guess I'm on a once a week posting schedule... Hey! I have hardly any news for y'all. I'm still waiting to find out if the kiddos' caseworker will consider a single mom for them. When the presumed caseworker returned from vacation and caught up on his email and voicemail, found out he's no longer the caseworker. My adoption specialist is now trying to contact the new caseworker, whose voicemail has been full and whose email she doesn't have. My a.s. is also in the midst of an office move and so didn't respond to my emails today. But as far as I know, my paperwork has been submitted to the courts and I should be certified to adopt within a month.

It's currently thundering here and my big, bad Kobi is laying as close to underneath me as he can get. He hates the booms and roars. Poor sweetums.

I jogged 8 miles Sunday morning as part of my marathon training. It was grueling, I was slowwwww and really stiff, and I'm sore today. It's the furthest I've ever run (or "walked with a bounce"). Felt good to do it, but I was prompted to buy new shoes afterwards. I've been leaning in that direction, but my feet and legs were SO tired...

This weekend I also did a clean-up at a really great riparian area northeast of town that is being restored after 100 years of dam operation that left the stream corridor nearly dry most of the year. Conservation groups got the dam "removed" and now the place is just thriving. But it's also being loved to death by thousands more recreationists. We picked up a ton of crap: litter, car parts, and quite literally CRAP! It was really hard work, but very productive. Now if we could just figure out how to get the idiots to cart their shit out of the forest... "LEAVE NO TRACE" Live by it (when it comes to public lands--not your life).

The diet is going well enough. I do feel hungry a lot of times, but it's more because I'm not eating as much as I should. I've lost 5-6 lbs. so far. Also, because I'm feeling more fit, I get really surprised when I take my shirt off and see my belly rolls... I "feel" like I should be thinner than that! I know it takes time, but I wish it would hurry the hell up. And I'm looking forward to training in new shoes in the morning. Hope I'm faster than I was this weekend!!!

Me and My Arrow

2007-07-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

Can't believe I've been so absent lately! With so much going on! Maybe that's why...

I still don't know whether "the boys" caseworker will consider me, a single parent, for their adoption. I'm hoping to know by midweek.

I graduated from the PS-MAPP training for adoption/foster care last week. And I have all of my paperwork in for adoption certification. I should be certified sometime between Sept 1 and Oct 1.

I'm still marathon training and did 6 miles on Saturday. Weekends are my long runs, gradually easing up to two 20-mile runs in October. Next weekend will be 8 miles. Eek! I don't think I've ever done more than a 10K (6.2 miles) in my life!

I saw Sicko last weekend, finally. I'm about to go into an anti-war rant, which was not what the film was about... so anywho, if you'd like to sign a petition that asks senators and representatives to vote for free health care for uninsured children, click here.

Finally, I've started *N*u*t*r*i*S*y*s*t*e*m*s*... a couple days into it. Found I was just having a hell of a time getting back into the swing of portion control and healthy eating. I wouldn't say that this is exactly healthy eating with everything being pre-packaged, except for the fruit, vegetables and dairy/protein that you have to supplement. But it is a great guide for portion control and balanced nutrition. And so far I've only hated the reconstituted scrambled eggs. Everything else has at least been decent, and I really liked the pasta primavera I had for dinner last night. SO - only 44 pounds to lose... Currently 219, goal 175.

Alrighty - I'd better get back to work! ...right after I check out what my blogger pals have been up to... :)

P.S. in last week's final PS-MAPP class, we were introduced to two kiddos that were in need of adoptive families. One of the two boys, aged 11, was named Arrow. I immediately broke into Harry Nilsson... Not sure my classmates were familiar with the reference. Oh, well....

Moving right along

2007-07-15T20:39:00.000-07:00

Only one more week of class!! Tuesday is graduation. I have nearly everything turned in... waiting for a copy of my 1991 divorce decree to arrive from Columbia County, Oregon, and Kobi's dog license to arrive from Maricopa County, Arizona. We're rather spread out...

The little boys who have captured my heart and imagination are still available, but I found out Friday that their file says a preferred home would be two parent. My adoption specialist will talk to their case worker and see if she'll consider me despite the preference. Hopefully I'll know early next week. And HOPEFULLY she'll say yes!

The adoption agency recently told me that they want me to get my foster license as well, which they will put on hold, just in case the "right kids" come along that are not completely legally free but nearly so. If I am not licensed, I won't be considered. I think there are plenty of children that are legally free needing homes, so if I won't be considered for "my boys" (new pixies by the way), I'm sure other little ones will be right. I did start getting all the foster paperwork done as well, so if I change my mind in the next couple months, all I'll need to do is get the home inspection.

I had my homestudy visit last Tuesday. I was surprisingly nervous for it, and didn't even know it until it was over. I was grumpy as hell for two days, but as soon as it was over--and it was a breeze--I was happy, happy, happy!

The marathon training is going really well. Despite the fact that my doctor told me not to run a marathon. He said a half was okay, but not the full. No, nothing wrong with me... he just thinks that everyone who runs a marathon has bad knees and ankles and joints and problems and it's not worth it. He can't understand why anyone would want to run a marathon in the first place. I told him thanks for the advice, but I might not follow it. This is something I've always wanted to do (well, for at least the last 20 years), and it's going to happen.

Back to adoption/foster class homework... one last assignment. Total. That's it. Woohoo!!!

(Don't) Walk Away

2007-07-06T22:39:00.000-07:00

Did I mention that I blew off my 25th high school reunion and went to a John Doe concert instead? It was fabulous. And considering I had a dream the night before the reunion that the organizer wanted to kill me (and indeed tried in my dream)... I figured out that I really didn't want to go to the reunion. And I REALLY wanted to go see John. (I'm in love with him, btw.)

So in honor of a great vacation - a terrific concert! - L.A. - and missed high school reunions, I bring you John... Off his new album, A Year in the Wilderness (and yes, I have the t-shirt!): Golden State, w/ Cindy Wasserman of Dead Rock West

...I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance...

2007-07-02T20:43:00.000-07:00

I'm back!! Actually was back almost a week ago, but SO FAR BEHIND with work and all. Then drove to L.A. with a friend to see Cyndi Lauper, Deborah Harry, Margaret Cho, Rosie O'Donnell, Dresden Dolls, and many, many happy people Saturday night. It was a great time. And then yesterday afternoon we hooked up with a friend of my friend's who is a comic and then some, and SHE found out she was having BBQ with Cyndi last night! Asked her to please verify Cyndi's haircolor for me... I'm guessing a light lilac.

Took Kobi on both my vacation and the L.A. roadtrip. He was such a good boy. Except now I know for sure, under no uncertain terms, if that dog wants in, he'll find a way in. While I was at the concert, the friends we stayed with went out to a BBQ (apparently a lot of that BBQ thing happenin' in L.A.). I got back before they did and went looking for my boy. Not in the yard. What? Maybe they decided to leave him in the house? Not in the house. I called and called, beginning that internal panic. But I thought I heard somethin' around the corner of the house. Looked, called again... Heard something. Looked AT the house and noticed a broken blind hanging out under a screen and a partially open window. The dog broke into the house. He was in a little storage room off the bedroom. The glass french doors were held closed by a wooden spoon, so he was confined. And he was fine. Luckily the blinds were old, the screens were already partly trashed, and he didn't pee on the guy's cigar humidor or anything...

I have many tales from my adventures, but I'll maybe parse them out. One big cool thing is that my sister and I decided to run (cuz you can't say "jog") the Seattle marathon later this year! I'm officially in training. Have had to do a couple of 5 mile jog/walk/jogs, and Saturday is my first 6-miler. Pretty exciting. And a great way to get in shape. No excuses. I've got a goal and a training schedule and that's all there is to it.

Tomorrow is class number eight of ten of my foster/adopt required coursework. ALREADY!! I can't believe how fast it's going. In two to four months I'll be certified to adopt a child (or two). Did just find out last week that they've decided I have to also get licensed for foster care in case a child(ren) becomes available that is a great fit for me but whose parents' rights have not yet been completely severed. I'm still hoping for "my boys," but am open to whatever makes the most sense.

I guess I'll leave it there for now. I have to get up early to beat the freakin' heat and jog 3 miles tomorrow. I've missed everyone!!

Can we say "vacation"?

2007-06-12T17:39:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's me. Leaving on a jet plane at 6:30am... Two weeks. I will take my computer. And unfortunately, I do have some work to do (just couldn't get it all done!). But mostly hoping to have a blast with family and friends. I'll check in when I can and see how all my lovely blog buddies are doing.

xoxo

Are we there yet?

2007-06-07T13:56:00.000-07:00

Absolutely pathetic. No, not you... me. I have days where I can't for the life of me get into the swing of work. Even after having written an article about a campaign being in full swing... it is. Me, not so much. So here I am, procrastinating again.

Mainly I'm posting to my blog because I get lonely when I don't get new comments. No offense to the commentators of my last feeble post... But there wasn't much to say, was there. I gotta say, though, Cheryl, you're about tied with Meg for mainstream queen geeks. Cuz of course y'all are too cool to be regular geeks. And any score over 70-75 I think crowns you as geek royalty.

Okay, well since I'm posting anyway, I'll give a quick update on what's going on adoption-wise. I've made it through week 4 of the 10-week course. I've turned in all of my paperwork except that silly divorce decree I have yet to find or order. I attended a generically titled "Support Group" for foster/adoption last night. We have to attend two before we can be certified - thought I'd get a jump on it. Pretty interesting. One gal was a single mom to three children plus four foster children = SEVEN. Single mom, seven kids. AND she looked sane. Happy even. There was also a couple there that foster infants (FOSTER ONLY, no adoption & INFANTS ONLY - they were adamant). They've fostered 20 infants in two years of being foster parents. They currently have two little girl babies - one a meth baby, the other a crack cocaine and fetal alcohol syndrome baby. And they're content just to love 'em and give 'em back. There were also a couple "therapeutic foster care" folks there. They deal with the toughest cases - the least well-adjusted - and try to get them to a point where they can live in regular foster care or be adopted. THAT would be a tough job. One of the families was a single woman who seemed exceptionally patient and sweet. The other was a couple who seemed a little less able to deal -- they mentioned twin girls they couldn't handle and passed on as well as a little boy they couldn't deal with. Their current little guy has threatened to wreck his room, which the mom replied, "Go ahead. I'll call the cops." Sounds like great parenting to me! Yeah...

Now I don't think I'll go for seven kids, but I'm still thinking siblings would be great, and maybe a baby down the road. I'm ready to help now, though, get some kid(s) out of the system and on the road to healing.

'nuff for now. I've got to settle my ass down and get something done. I go on a two week vacation starting next Wednesday, and need to get a few things in order. OH - before I go, special big hug to Val!!!

And, all, feel free to post more than one comment so I feel especially loved this week!! :)

Not too

2007-06-02T16:49:00.001-07:00

Imagine

2007-05-30T20:33:00.001-07:00

I screwed up and actually had a glorious weekend away from my computer! And have been paying for it ever since. I procrastinated on some comments I need to write to a state wildlife agency - due TOMORROW - so I should be working now (9:15pm). But I've barely been keeping up on my blog roll and haven't posted in a week, so thought I would procrastinate on my work just a little more and post on my blog.

Had another adoption/foster class last night - Week 3 of 10. Good stuff. "Becoming Loss Experts" was sorta the theme. Knowing that all kids in the system have suffered some sort of situational loss and have likely not adequately grieved that loss, we ran through some of the paces on how to understand and address the behaviors that accompany the emotions. Wooo! Sounds like it could be quite a rollercoaster! And then there's fetal alcohol syndrome - another crazy ride. Not sure I'd go that route - I'm patient, but not saintly.

In the meantime, besides the work I'm not doing, I'm getting ready for my two week vacation in mid to late June. Will be headed to the NW. And then when I get back, my bestest girlfriend, R, and I will be taking a road trip to LA to go see the True Colors tour at the Greek Theater. We're staying with a friend I met on the internet several years ago... it was a dating site. He and I never dated, but became good long-distance friends. We've met up a couple times when he's been in Phx or I've been in LA. I get to meet his wife of a couple years for the first time! She agreed to let my friend and I stay there. AND they'll babysit Kobi, who will take the roadtrip with us, when R & I go to the concert. R's dog, who gets car sick, will stay at her ex-husband's. Okay, I'm rambling at this point... But we're very excited to take a road trip! And we've moved on to planning a trip to Iceland to see the Imagine Peace Tower, with a stop in Greenland. Extremely cool. Could be a couple years before we get the money together, but the Tower will be a permanent exhibition, from what I gather.

From Yoko's website (linked above):

The Japan Times (October 2006)

"Imagine Peace Tower, as planned by the 73-year-old artist, will be 20 to 30 meters high with a radius of about a meter, and will have the lyrics of Lennon's song "Imagine" engraved on it once completed by his 67th birthday next year. The illuminated column, constructed over a base with a radius of about 10 meters, will be filled with messages of wishes and hopes from more than 900,000 people that have been collected so far.

A special mailbox for the monument will be set up in the city to continue accepting more letters to go into the monument."

And that mailbox address where you can send YOUR wishes and hopes:

Send your wishes to IMAGINE PEACE TOWER:

PO Box 1009
121 Reykjavík
Iceland

Hopefully the kiddos won't mind spending a couple weeks at Grammy & Papa's (unless I can pull the extra $ together for their plane tickets - and yes, I really want to adopt siblings - instant family!).

Save Darfur

2007-05-23T18:01:00.000-07:00

Please send a letter to President Bush. Click on the link or copy and paste: http://ga6.org/campaign/where_is_planb

You Can't Hurry Love

2007-05-18T20:41:00.000-07:00

I KNOW! I'm posting again! And already!! But another mini-milestone. I met with the lady at the adoption agency today, dropped off my references and picked up my paperwork. She caught me up on the work that was assigned last Tuesday. I have LOTS of writing to do this weekend, as well as looking up my address from 9 years ago and locating my divorce decree. I also have to clean house and make it look like a kiddo or two might fit in here. She's gonna come by on Tuesday and verify my address and take a little look-see.

At today's appointment, I also asked her about the timeline to give me an idea of what we're talking about here. I'm already a week into 10 weeks of classes which will be over July 17. They'll have the home studies completed by August 4, submitted to the Commission by September 4, and signed by October 4 (if not sooner). !! At that point I'll go on the adoption registry as a certified potential parent and we'll see who they match me up with or who's available for me to be considered for. Although I want whatever is best for "my boys," I can't help but hope they're available for me to mother when I get certified. (And I'll try to make that the last time I refer to them until something is known on that front.)

After my appointment, I went straight to the location where I needed to get fingerprinted - two sets. Filled out the paperwork and got inked up. I also made an appointment with my doctor to have him fill out the medical form I need to submit, and also to refer me to another doc for a round of steroid epidurals in my neck. I've got some tissue between a couple of my vertebrae that gets inflamed and causes my right hand to go numb. It happened a couple years ago, but was completely better after three of the shots. I hoped it would go away forever, but no such luck. Maybe one epidural will work this time? We'll see.

I have special assignments, too, in this paperwork. Like I have to write a letter to the child(ren) about my home, activities, pets, life, their room, etc. to help them get to know me and what it's like "here." I also have to write a letter to the birth parent(s) to let them know I'll provide a safe and happy place for their little one(s). A photo album/scrap book is also required (or at least STRONGLY recommended) - the more warm and expressive and lively the better. This is to give the caseworkers, commissioners, etc. an idea about who I am and what kind of mother I will be. (If anybody has any great or clever ideas about how I might go about that, please let me know!) Seems exceedingly ODD that I had a dream last night that a lady gave me some materials as a thank you to put in "my scrapbook." I didn't know anything about this part of the adoption process until today.

So this weekend it's all about the paperwork and housework. And I really could be a mom by the end of the year! Amazing.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

2007-05-17T18:51:00.000-07:00

I spoke to the Department of Economic Security about "my boys" yesterday, and yes, they're still available. Of course they won't HOLD them for me, but at least I know their current status. The adoption agency called me today AND the gal is going to work with me to make up a missed class and catch me up on paperwork (the classes started last Tuesday), and allow me to make up one other class I'll miss when I'm on vacation. The alternative was to wait until July 24 to start the 10-week series of classes required for adoption certification. I'm going in tomorrow morning to pick up my paperwork and give her my five references. Then in the next week or two, she'll come to my house for a preliminary check. I also have to go get finger prints (two sets) next week. WOW! and HOLY SHIT!!

I know, it seemed like just Tuesday I wasn't sure what I was doing. Now, just two days later, I'm planning to start (or am already a week into) the process of becoming certified to adopt. Of course now that I'm more seriously considering, and even working toward, adopting two "older" children, the questions and comments are starting...

"Are you sure you want to adopt an older child?"
"Two boys??"
"You know they're going to have lots of problems, right?"
"I thought you wanted a baby."
"Are you sure you don't want to wait for a baby?"
"That'll be a big change..."

You're telling me.

I really do feel compelled to do exactly what I'm doing. AND, as another friend said, "You're still young! You can easily adopt a baby in a few years!" She's so sweet.

I can't tell you how excited I am. And, yes, terrified. But mostly excited!

Hello, Dolly!

2007-05-15T22:40:00.000-07:00

What I know now that I didn't know yesterday morning... (sorry, this leaves out all the stuff I already DID know)

1) It's highly unlikely that I'll be able to adopt an infant out of foster care. (I thought that they placed likely adoptable infants with families that want to adopt, but was told that the goal is ALWAYS to return the child to the parents and they don't even consider possible adoption status when placing.)

2) Foster parents in Arizona require a license. There are something like four or five levels of licensure and requires relicensing annually. Adoptive parents require certification which is good for 18 months.

3) In addition to the home study, which can be 2 to 6 visits, my home also has to have the sign-off by the health department. --Oh, shit! I wonder if my landlord will address the dryer vent, put in a carbon monoxide monitor, unstick the windows so there's a second exit... I should start my list now - it will take him months to make this place livable...

4) Foster parents have a huge list of support for them and the children: a respite program, child medical & dental insurance, child care assistance, support groups, 24-hour helpline, education and consultation services, foster parent liability insurance, WIC & free school lunches, financial allowances for room & board, clothing, diapers and formula, graduation expenses, education expenses, summer school tuition and fees, summer day camp and residential camp, and a personal monthly allowance for the child.

5) Adoptive parents also have some benefits such as the respite program (basically a special emergency babysitting gig), special services subsidy, reimbursement for non-recurring expenses related to adoption finalization, maintenance subsidy, support groups and ongoing education. I "think" that there can also be some additional subsidy for special needs kids.

6) Certification for adoption can cost around a grand, but the state may reimburse the fee if a "special needs" child is adopted.

7) "Special needs" means: age 6 or older, children of color, sibling groups of three or more, has physical/mental/emotional disabilities, or has a high risk for physical/mental/emotional disabilities.

I'm sure there are more things I learned, but I'm getting a little tired. I went to see Harry Connick Jr. tonight - his New Orleans tour, "oh, my nola." And it was great! What a cutie - and so funny! Yeah, it was good. (Although he seemed to start off a little rough... I was thinking he was hung-over. But maybe it was just the heat.)

I put a call in to DES (Department of Economic Security, the agency in Arizona that has legal custody of children whose parents' rights have been terminated) to find out if "my boys" are still available and how to work towards adopting them. (This is not a commitment yet as I haven't even talked to them yet.) I also left a message at an agency that is centrally located, single-friendly and secular. Hopefully I'll know even more tomorrow!

Finally, I gotta tell you about my dining experience tonight pre-Harry concert. Went to a restaurant I've been to three or four times. Nice place. Good food (usually). Instead of the thin crust pizza, I got the "pesto salad," which supposedly came with roasted potatoes. They brought my friend and I two identical salads - mixed greens. I told them I'd ordered the pesto salad. It comes. I try a bite of potato, since that's the thing that's different about our salads that I paid an extra buck for... Uck! It tasted like 4-day-old french fry. Dried out, flavorless, just UCK! So I asked my friend to try one - I didn't trust myself. She agreed it was horrible. The waiter came by and asked us how everything was, but he didn't make eye-contact or wait for an answer. I picked out all the potatoes and started eating the salad. When the waiter came by again and inquired on how much we were enjoying our meals, I told him I wasn't and explained the problem. "Oh, really? Cuz they're fresh - cooked daily... I dunno... Umm, I can ask the chef..." And that was it. I kept eating. I'd decided I wouldn't send it back because I would have just ordered the mixed green salad instead - or what I had with the stale potatoes picked out. But no worry - he didn't even ask if I wanted something else. Later, finally, he brought the check. I noticed he didn't take anything off for the salad, nor did he tell me what the chef had to say for himself (I hadn't expected it - seemed strange he'd ask the chef whether or not I should be happy with my salad). I waited for him to come back so I could ask about the bill - I decided that if he wanted a tip, he probably wanted to take the salad off so there was something left for him. I told him that I didn't like the salad, the potatoes were awful, and that he should take part or all of the salad charge off. And he said, "But you ate it, right?" And I said, "Oh, you didn't just say that..." The bill was $38.83. I left him $40. What he did with it was up to him... Ass.

Bunches of Babies

2007-05-13T22:21:00.000-07:00

I finally met other members of the Arizona Single Mothers by Choice group on Saturday. Wow, what a lovely group of women and SUCH CUTE BABIES!! M's triplets (actually due today!), K's 5 mo.-old twins, M2 and her newborn, C and almost 1-year-old, pregnant T and 7-mo.-old boy, T2 and almost year old preemie with the most beautiful blue eyes, and H with twin 4-year-old girls. What a terrific group. All of these babies came out of these ladies bodies - which made me rethink some. I WANT to have a baby! But it also makes really good sense to me to just move to adoption...

Speaking of which, my foster/adopt orientation is tomorrow evening at 6. I'm looking forward to it and a teeny bit nervous. Here's a link to the little boys I'm in love with. But still trying to figure out if I should concentrate on getting a baby. So many decisions!! But I know it's a process that takes some time.

I'm feeling a little nervous about my impending 25th H.S. Reunion set for the middle of June. Yes - 25th! I could be a grandmother! And some of my former classmates are grandparents or parents to college kids. Amazing. I don't feel anywhere close to that old. But it will, I hope, be fun catching up. It's been 5 years since the last one. At the last one, I was skinny, damn cute, and feeling pretty in charge. Now I'm closing in on my heaviest weight and feeling a little less than "super." But improving... It was very funny, I thought, to get a phone message last Friday from one of our class's biggest "stoners" who was helping to organize the reunion.

I'm really looking forward to seeing a BFP from Tracey this week!! It just has to be.

TMI

2007-05-07T23:50:00.000-07:00

I basically blew off the afternoon today. My good girlfriend had her hair colored and I went to offer support and many ooohs and aaahs. Spectacular shade of cherry bomb red! Her hairdresser was about as warm as a light pole in Prospect Creek, Alaska. But man could she do color. I took some work-related reading materials, but only read one page - cuz I didn't want to be rude...

Monday nights are special. Heroes at 8. The Riches at 10. And then, since I'm up, I watch Jon Stewart and the Colbert Report. Uh, huh. And now it's after midnight and I should be sleepin'. But not before I let you in on 7 random and/or little known facts about me. Thanks for the tag, Meg... err, Marcy. And like Michell, I don't know 7 bloggers to tag who haven't already been tagged. Val?? You're it!! Candace?? And Jen!

1) I am a flaming, bleeding-heart liberal.
2) I wear a size 12 women's shoe!
3) I was 5'4" when I was 10.
4) I LOVE Crazy Jim's pizza and Matt's Big Breakfast! Hell, I love food.
5) I was married when I was 21, separated at 24 and divorced at 27.
6) I was valedictorian at my H.S. graduation. But obviously not smart enough (see #5).
7) My first dog's name was Tippy. My first (of thankfully only two) parakeet's name was Sam ("I think him Sam" -- I was 4). My first cat's name was Mittens. The cat gave the parakeet a heart attack. My folks gave the dog away and told me she ran away because I didn't play with her enough (my mother denies ever having said that to this day). And my dog threw the cat out the garage door's window by the tail, broke her leg, and then had to pay to fix the window and her broken leg. Whoo! Fun times.

OOps. 8) I don't know where that came from. I call re-do.

7) I was in a band from 1993 to 1994 -- backup vocals and percussion. I was "fired," but I like to blame artistic differences. The guitarist was so pissed he quit on my behalf. It is true that we had been sleeping together.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream (UPDATED)

2007-05-03T19:05:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to test tomorrow a.m., but I'm afraid. I expect it to be negative, but I don't want it to be... But I guess I need to move on to the next thing. I wonder, too, if I even ovulated this month. I took 100 mg clomid CD 3-5, which is twice as much as the previous two cycles. But my symptoms weren't as bad, including the ovulation cramping, which was barely there. My temp shot up the day after my +OPK, which would indicate I ovulated the same day, but then dropped a bit and went up just a little before I started the progesterone. So I'm wondering if I had an anovulatory cycle that was masked by the progesterone? I dunno what's going on. But I will test in the a.m. and move "happily" on.

I'm collecting phone #s for REs, and I'm planning to attend an adoption/foster intro meeting on the 14th (a week from next Monday!). And I will enjoy my break!

So here we go...

Update 5/4: Another test that looks exactly like the last one. *frown* I put a call in to my doc's office for advice as to whether to stop the prometrium or to come in for a blood test. (I called at 10 a.m. and got a return call at 4:45 p.m.) I'm 11 days late, 24 DPO. Doc agreed I'm not pregnant and suggested I stop taking the progesterone.

I plan to call an RE for a consultation, but I feel more and more comfortable with the idea that I will open my home to a child that is already here and needs a home. That really seems to fit with my habit of adopting strays. All of my cats were found feral kittens, and Kobi was found on the street as well, although he was obviously an escapee.

3 little letters I could do without

2007-05-01T00:43:00.000-07:00

This was from Sunday morning. Six days late. Monday, seven days late, I called my doctor's office and asked if I shouldn't have a blood test so I could go off the prometrium. Doc, by way of her assistant, said she'd prefer I just wait until Friday. Maybe I'll start AF by then. If not, test again. If negative, which I presume it will be, then we'll decide what next. I feel bloaty and a teeny bit crampy. But absolutely no break through bleeding. At this point I'd give myself about 0.5% chance of being pregnant, but because there's that 0.5%, I won't just quit the prometrium. Need to be 100% sure.

A little frustrating (and disappointing) to say the least.

Fish or Cut Bait

2007-04-24T19:31:00.000-07:00

I've got zero symptoms, am a day late, and tested negative on an HPT this morning. My temps are still way up, but the prometrium is probably doing that. I have 3 days of prometrium left... hopefully I'll either get a BFP or start AF by the time I run out. I'd hate to fill a prescription and only use one or two pills. I suppose I could maybe get a blood test on Friday first thing. But that might cost me more than the prescription. (Although it would seem that insurance should at least cover a pregnancy test, which is different from infertility/fertility tests...)

I'm procrastinating at the moment. I have comments due tomorrow on a proposal to renovate a small lake for native fish, and I haven't yet read the 63 page proposal... I need to get on that.

Depending, of course, on the results of this cycle, I'm leaning more and more towards foster-to-adoption. I'm thinking I'd get a placement sooner, and I know they really try to fit you with an adoptable child. And in Phoenix, AZ, I just gotta assume there are lots of those... Also, it would certainly be less expensive. ...but here I am again, making some decision and assumptions without checking it out. So I guess this will be one of the first things I check into in May if I'm not preggers.

Okay, I've procrastinated enough. Back to work!

knock, knock

2007-04-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

If you love Will Farrell, you'll probably love this...

The kid is acting - and a true prodigy! Hopefully no one was too offended... I was a little thrown initially. It is wrong on a lot of levels, but she's also cute as hell. I do think it's wrong to exploit children or animals, but this wasn't a money gig - just a for fun gig. So I don't know...

What do you think? child abuse? just irresponsible? or just funny?

Earth Week

2007-04-19T23:33:00.000-07:00

Been a busy one for me. Last weekend was Step It Up. Tabled at ASU West on Wednesday. Big events this weekend for Earth Day. Fighting on behalf of the planet is always a great time!

My temps have stayed up. Could be related to the prometrium. I have no symptoms - even WITH the prometrium. I should have some answers no later than mid-week next.

Good news - although it took four months, we finally sold some jewelry on our Etsy site!! A necklace, bracelet and earrings set. And the guy wants a special necklace made for his mom for Mother's Day, and another for his girlfriend for her birthday. Yay! Gives me a little incentive to get more jewelry made and listed.

Oh, way past time for bed...
But just so I'm fulfilling my responsibility as a green citizen, I want to encourage everybody to do a little something extra for the Earth this weekend, maybe start a new habit. Use canvas bags for your groceries, or reuse paper or plastic bags. Buy in bulk to reduce packaging. Eat less red meat (uses a LOT more water and land to raise a beef cow for slaughter than for other meats)--even better, go vegetarian! Go organic to reduce the pesticides and chemical fertilizers in our environment. Eat locally produced food - shorter trucking distances means less carbon emissions. Take public transit or just drive a little less. Get your car tuned up - it improves fuel efficiency. Keep your tires properly inflated - also improves gas mileage. Think before you drive and combine trips. Recycle! Turn off the faucet when you brush your teeth. Use phosphate-free laundry soaps. "If it's yellow, let it mellow - if it's brown, flush it down" (left over from the 70's). Consider using cloth diapers. Use energy efficient compact florescent light bulbs. Borrow books from the library. Buy recycled. Buy less. Volunteer for an environmental organization. And have a great weekend!!!

Mad World

2007-04-16T15:46:00.000-07:00

According to my chart, I ovulated the same day I surged. But who knows. What I do know is my temps went up enough that I figured what the hell about the progesterone. And since then, they've gone up further. We'll see how this goes. I'm not holding my breath, but I'm still hopeful. And I feel a little more peace about it. I haven't started the other research yet... one thing at a time. Once I know how this cycle turns out, I'll proceed from there. And as much as I feel I want the entire experience of pregnancy and childbirth, I would really be fine with adoption as well.

I've been in a heckuva funk on and off for almost a year. I don't operate at my optimum when I don't have control over situations, and you have to relinquish a lot of control during TTC. I can rationalize and outwardly appear to be rolling with the punches, but inside, over time, I've been sorta falling apart, my confidence getting chipped away. I feel good that if this doesn't work out for me, I will have the option of "taking my body back" and working toward whatever solution will bring me my child.

Speaking of chips... Some of you may recall that I bought myself a new windshield for my birthday this year in January... I got a rock chip and small crack in it today! Eeesh!! I very smartly went to get it repaired right after the meeting I was driving to when it happened. The repair looks decent, too--not like a few years ago when a blob of gunk was applied to the chip. You can just barely tell where the chip is!

If you've not heard it, or don't remember the Tears for Fears version some 20 years ago, check out Gary Jules' version of Mad World -- my ode to today's shooting at Virginia Tech. It's one of my favorite sad songs.

So It Goes.

2007-04-13T16:06:00.000-07:00

Well, this is NOT good news. My temp stayed low this morning, presumably 2DPO, or at least 3 days past my peak. I'm suppose to start a prescription of prometrium today, but I don't see the point if I didn't ovulate. I'm gonna wait until my temp goes up. But at this point, it seems this cycle was a bust, along with the $800 for sperm, shipping and supplies. I will let my blogger buddies know if things turn around and I get respectable temps tomorrow morning, but if not it looks like I'm going on a couple month hiatus. I probably will not check or contribute to other blogs as much--we'll see. I'll do some homework and try to get straightened around and report what I am thinking, finding and deciding.

If anyone needs any AI supplies - syringes and catheters - let me know! I have a bunch!! Or email me any time: tuzigoot2001 at go dot com.

So let's divide up the wealth more fairly than we have divided it up so far. Let's make sure that everybody has enough to eat, and a decent place to live, and medical help when he needs it. Let's stop spending money on weapons, which don't work anyway, thank God, and spend money on each other. It isn't moonbeams to talk of modest plenty for all... --Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Goodnight, Kurt, you lucky devil. You will be missed.

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

2007-04-10T23:31:00.000-07:00

Got my surge and peak on the CBFM this a.m. and did my first AI tonight. Bought three vials for this possibly last try, so I'll do another tomorrow a.m. and the last one tomorrow night. And we'll just have to wait and see, won't we. After that, I'm really not sure.

Here's what's going on... My job that I love is going through some changes. On the one hand, it's not that big of deal, just a little restructuring--I lose my title as director, gain a better manager (I hope), reduce the range or future range/territory of my job, and (again hopefully) increase my focus. On the other hand, I feel like the rug's been pulled out, and things are not what they seemed. I'm sure I'll work through it...

But it does impact my thoughts about moving back to the Northwest, which I've always said I hope to be able to do in the next few years. I have not yet done my homework, so I know this will all start to come together when I have more information. In the meantime, I'm guessing that a foster-to-adopt program will require that I stay put for awhile... like until a child is adopted, and maybe longer. If I move just directly to adoption, I'll likely need to stay put through the process of home studies, etc.

I feel strongly that I need to stick with my work here--I've got rivers to save and groundwater laws to change... But I do love and miss my family. I'm also afraid of too much of a good thing (family, if I moved back). So I feel a little stuck in my confusion.

Welcome to the TWW, huh?

A, B, C, D, E, G... what, no F?

2007-04-05T22:54:00.000-07:00

I am pleased to report that the clomid did not completely f*ck me up this cycle! I definitely still had a dip in mood for a couple days, but no major hell to speak of. My favorite donor wasn't available, so I went with the choice I used last time. Hoping for a cute, curly-haired little one... or any little one...

I've been really busy with work lately, and, I guess, not very "talkative" for awhile now. It might do me well to write about all I'm going through, but I feel like I want to keep it bottled up. I don't want to go on and on about the same things, the same questions, week after week... I decide and un-decide. Why pain anyone else with my indecision. But I really don't freakin' know what to do next. Leaning toward adoption. Feeling almost convinced of that. But then I start mourning not having a baby... and I haven't even done my latest/last AI yet! ugh...

SO. Kobi's doing great still. Appetite, energy, attitude - all good. It's been five months since his surgery, and still no metastasis. Yay! And the three cats are all fine. Just realized two of the kitties are eight! I found 'em just a couple months after I moved to Phoenix, and that was eight years ago February. Crazy. Can't believe I've been here that long. Wonder when I'll get back to the NW... So far no plans. My job is too cool to walk away from at this point, and I feel too invested in the campaigns I'm running. We had a front page, above the fold article with color photos in last Tuesday's paper in Prescott. Woohoo! (Can't buy that kind of advertising...)

OH - was just reminded of the one major side effect I've noticed with clomid this time... HOT FLASHES! Big time. Right now. uck...

A Little Dab'll Do Ya

2007-04-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

I've got a plan. For my 6th and possibly final unassisted AI, I'm on the evil clomid, 100 mg, CD 3-7 (I'm on CD 5). I will order 3 vials of my old favorite donor if available for delivery next Friday in case I ovulate early or there's a problem with the shipment. I will insem. at 12, 24 & 36 hours past +OPK or thereabouts. And we'll see what happens. If it works, fabulous!!! If not, I'll take a couple months off to let my hormones and emotions settle, and to do some research into RE's, IVF, adoption and foster-to-adopt programs so I can decide next steps. I certainly hope this cycle works out for me - making me totally average (6 tries). But whether or not it does, I am looking forward to a little break. Particularly because clomid completely ravages my emotional well-being. I wish finances were not at the heart of my decision-making through much of this process. Unfortunately, I can only work with what I have, including nearly maxed out credit cards. So, yes. A break sounds heavenly - either a nine-month break of paying debts and increasing savings!! Or a couple month break to just do research and search my soul.

I feel so much better!

Googly

2007-03-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

Finally! AF was a couple days late. I feel SO bloated and disgusting. Crazy. As late as this morning I was nauseated and there was no sign of AF. I'd catch myself thinking, "Maybe? Could it be??" But I didn't want to be disappointed, and I knew better, so I'd try to shift my thoughts and not get stuck on the possibilities. Although I did try to do a quick google search for pregnant with low BBT... Didn't see what I was looking for - namely "hope."

I'm okay, though. I'll call my doc's office tomorrow to see what she says. As my bloodwork and HSG were all normal/good, maybe I just need more help with timing - a trigger shot or something. She'll probably send me to an RE, though. I'll probably start researching that.

Although I haven't decided what's next for me exactly. I'm toying with the idea of a local known donor--I'd ask a friend. But not sure. Probably not. I dunno... BUT THANKS EVERYBODY WHO COMMENTED WITH SUPPORT AND SYMPATHY AND ADVICE!!!! It's really nice not feeling alone in this.

Could I get some chips with that dip?

2007-03-26T21:41:00.000-07:00

Just sitting here waiting for AF to show... I had a temperature dip and spotting at 11DPO, which seemed a bit late for implantation. The temp dip also corresponded with a drop in local temperatures. I added blankets, temps went back up! Then they went down again. Below the coverline today. So I'm just waitin'...

And wondering what the hell I'm going to do next. I'd planned to do 6 at home AIs, three unmedicated, three medicated, and then move on to an RE for three tries. After that try IVF. Now, as I start cycle #6, I'm scared. This is it for the "cheap" AIs of around $600/month... Using an RE will cost at least a grand a month. And I really don't want to max out my credit cards. And IVF. I'm very worried that my advanced age will continue to count against me in the odds. And if I spend (finance) $15,000-$20,000 on IVF, then I've got nothing left for adoption if it doesn't work. I'm afraid of spending that kind of money and ending up with nothing to show for it. (I'm probably not the first woman in this situation to think this way...)

And of course it could go the other way, too. Multiples. One or two is good. Three, oh my god. Four, oh I couldn't possibly. More? And I just don't know if I could do selective reduction. How does one choose which babies to keep and which to get rid of?

I SO want to be pregnant and give birth to my baby. But at what point do I say, I can't afford to pursue it this way anymore. And move on to adoption?

I will try at least one more time at home, but then I've got some decisions to make. And it's hard. And it sucks. And I wish I'd gotten started with this 10 years ago. Except that I wasn't ready then, and I am now. So...

I'd joined SMC a couple months ago and got the packet to contact local members. Finally reached them today and will be going to my first monthly meeting in a couple weeks. It's the same group that "Margie with triplets born 3/6" belongs to. It will be great to make some local single mom friends.

And although I love my blog buddies, I'm not much enjoying the NW board lately. The dynamics have definitely changed. And maybe it's also because there've been so many BFPs lately (no offense Michelle, Jen... I REALLY AM HAPPY FOR YOU LADIES!)--and all the newbies getting knocked up right and left. Granted, I'd have been ecstatic to have gotten a BFP my first or second time, or third or fourth... you get the idea. Of course I'll be excited whenever and however I get my little one.

What's next? Stay tuned... and I'll try to be a better blogger.

One Mean Mother

2007-03-17T21:36:00.000-07:00

It's hot. Really f'ing hot!! It's been close to 100 for the last two days. This past winter was the hottest on record globally. And it looks like spring is going to be pretty brutal as well. I HATE summer in the SW... and it's only March. If I didn't love my work, and the abuse, I'd be back home in the NW.

Abuse. I knew it was going to be a rough meeting, but I went into it with a positive attitude knowing this was just part of the job. It was a Forest Service scoping meeting about opening some roads into an endangered bird's habitat. The "locals," apparently all ORV enthusiasts, insisted they should be able to drive wherever they want whenever they want--screw the critters. My differing opinion was met with such comments as "get a life" and "you tree-huggers, you should all be shot." Her name was Marge, and she was probably a 75-year-old grandma. I asked her to have some respect. She emphatically said "no." Fun times.

Went to a Pakistani kite festival today. There were maybe 50 people there; four food vendors, including the Vienna Beef hot dog guy; one retail vendor with tops, purses, earrings, shoes and pillow covers; and one kite occasionally flying furiously in the air. I went with a friend who's been to the festival, called Basant Mela, in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park where thousands of festival-goers feast on delicious Indian and Pakistani dishes, fly kites, and party. This was not that. But at least nobody had their throat slit. We celebrated after about a half hour of disappointment at a nearby Indian restaurant and partook of a delicious buffet. I was completely satiated.

And then I came home for a nap. I've been an utter lump ever since. I'll have to do all my laundry and house work tomorrow, I guess. I've been fairly oblivious to the TWW until today. I'm about a week down. I'll probably test next Saturday at 12 DPO. That's too long to wait and entirely unfair. But oh, well...

Briefs or Bikinis... or Thongs?

2007-03-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to jump on here and let ya'll know I'm feeling really good. Back to my ol' self. Work's going great, I'm kickin' ass, and having fun doing it. (Some days there's nothing better than being a self-righteous activist...)

My AIs went perfect Sunday and Monday, and my temp soared this morning and confirmed that I'd ovulated. Let's hope this new-to-me sperm does the trick! I've got so much going on that the TWW shouldn't be too difficult. I imagine I'll wake up the day after Earth Day (April 22) and wonder where I'm at in my cycle... Joking, I'm way too obsessive for that.

Well, this is a short one... I'm tired, and Kobi's already in bed, probably asleep. OOH! One of these days I'm going to remember to record him barking to get me to let him into our room so he can go to bed and figure out how to post it here. He's quite insistent. Funny, though, it's the exact same bark he uses when he wants his food and when he wants out. I'll record all three and we'll see if we can't figure out if there's any differences between the barks... G'night!

Waiting on a wonder

2007-03-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

I did finally dig out of my depths of despair and rejoin humanity!! Thanks, all. Boy I hope I don't have to do clomid again. It truly wrecked me this time. But, like I said, I feel better now, and more positive and rational and hopeful.

I JUST finished my first AI for this cycle. And it felt a bit more skilled and problem-free this time. Or maybe I just didn't worry as much. Whatever it was, I feel good. Switched donors this cycle and hope that it makes a difference. I'm having a little ovulation discomfort, but not the cramping yet. I planned to start using OPKs today, but my monitor went to peak today so... AI'd tonight at about 13.5 hours past monitor peak. I'll do it again in the morning at about 24 hours past... or wait until noon for 29 hours past. I keep trying to change up my timing a little to maybe better nail the egg. But it's such a crapshoot, so who knows. At least I feel like I'm doing everything I can think of to make this work.

I bought syringes and catheters this week. Not sure when I'll get them. I'll have an overabundance of syringes, so if anybody needs some, let me know--I bought 100. I'm splitting the 50 catheter purchase with somebody, and will only have 25 for myself... hahaha. Yeah. I don't plan on doing this for another full year, but I can't tell you today how long I may keep it up. I'll let you know if I decide I can part with a catheter or two.

I had breakfast this morning with a friend at my favorite place -- Matt's Big Breakfast. (Jen, it's on 1st St & McKinley if you haven't been there.) Fabulous stuff - lots of organic vegetables, cage-free eggs and local preserves. Very yummy. Made my weekend complete! (Picture to right and above are of Matt's taken a couple weeks ago.)

Kobi (thanks for asking, Michell) is doing great! His mouth is completely healed. That's not to say that the cancer won't regrow because the margins weren't clean, but it doesn't appear to be growing yet, and all the tissue looks really healthy. I feel more and more hopeful that he'll be hanging around for at least another 6 months to a year or more! I'm glad we didn't do chemotherapy. He continues to have lots of energy and a great appetite. And he hasn't coughed at all in a couple weeks.
Mom is doing well, and my dad will be able to go with her to Boston for the exam and hopefully treatment of her pancreatic cysts. Which means she'll be well-taken care of, and I can stay here and speak at a gathering outside the legislature instead. Mom's appt. is a week from Tuesday. My little sister is having cysts removed from her breast this coming Thursday. I feel bad that I'm so far away. But I'll just be here waiting out my two weeks and trying not to stress too much.

Okay, feels like the cramping is coming. Let's hope for at least 2 good cage-free eggs to fertilize!

Anybody seen my dancing shoes?

2007-03-05T20:57:00.000-07:00

Clomid is kicking my ass... If I thought I was dealing with depression before, I had no idea. Clomid last cycle was tough, but OMG. Yeah, a little headache. Yeah, hot flashes. But dark, unbending, oppressive sadness... definitely more so this time than last. THANKFULLY, tonight is my last dose for this cycle. Then I can move onto the fun of inseminating in a week, followed by two weeks of waiting. Woohoo!!

This is a tough row. Wish it was easier, quicker...

I am trying to follow the Stoneage anti-depression methods, have been getting exercise, taking Omega-3, talking to friends and family, getting 8 hours sleep, trying to think good thoughts not always successfully... but am having trouble getting 30 minutes of sunshine. Not because there isn't sun. There's LOTS of sun here. I just haven't felt like going out and enjoying it. Maybe tomorrow...

Kobi's got another follow-up with his oncologist tomorrow. He seems like he's doing pretty well, so I'm not expecting there will be any news. We'll keep on with the herbs, and I'll keep being thankful that he's still hangin' out with me. My cutie pie...

Inny or Outy?

2007-02-26T21:34:00.000-07:00

I have an inny, but I'm outy... spotting now and expect to be ridin' the red wave in the next several hours. On to cycle #5. I read the average # of tries is 6, so I've got a couple to go to be average. And being in my 40s, I expect to be a little above average. I'd really like it to be sooner than later, though, you know?

I commented on someone else's blog today that I actually felt a little relief at not being pregnant along with my sadness of the same situation. I have been reading those books about what's to come, and along with being very informative, they're pretty scary and eye-opening. I mean, I know it'll be tough. I know it'll be lonely. I know it will be the biggest challenge I've ever faced. I also know it will be the most rewarding and life-changing thing I'll ever do. Yep. I've been contemplating this for a couple years, and really seriously considering for over a year. Charting for eight months. Trying for four cycles. Not sure I'm completely comfortable with feeling relief about not being pregnant this far into it. And I fully intend to try again. And I fully intend to hope I'm pregnant as I did this past cycle. And, I guess, I hope my feelings at the end of the next cycle, whether pregnant or not, make more sense to me--leave me feeling more confident that this is still the right decision for me. I know it is. But crap!

More pixies!

Kobi wanted to go to bed early the other night... (he goes to my bedroom door and starts barking)

Here he is laid out, sweet puppy.

He's telling me "Enough John Stewart! Let's go to bed!!"

And completely off-topic... Kobi's favorite artwork. My friend Indigo Verton, who runs The Red Door gallery in Phoenix, did a show of these fabulous photos of wigs, black and whites that she colorized. I have these hanging in Kobi's boudoir.

Fred and Wilma would be proud!

2007-02-24T14:30:00.000-07:00

After feeling relatively certain I'm pregnant for a few days, my temp dipped (still above coverline) this morning. I took an HPT this morning, too, and it was negative. It's still early. I'm not out yet. But my certainty has certainly taken a hit. AF is due on Monday, so we'll see.

I was in a bit of a funk this a.m. due to above stated circumstances, but was revived after checking in on Pioneer Woman's blog post for today. YOU HAVE TO CHECK IT OUT!! Her son sings Oh, What A Beautiful Morning. It positively melted my heart. You CAN'T have a bad day after listening to that!

I read an interesting article yesterday about treating depression with Stone Age tools. No, don't think "pounding it out with a club." The article talks about reincorporating six elements that are often no longer present in our lives and society today.

Briefly:

1) Omega-3. The article suggests 1 gram EPA plus a multi-vitamin. (If you're pregnant or TTC, make sure you read up on what's considered safe doses and of which type of Omega-3. I read conflicting information, and, but as a vegetarian, I'm more comfortable taking flax forms of ALA that converts to EPA and DHA, or micro-algal forms of DHA. Problem with ALA conversion, only about 21% is converted to EPA & 9% to DHA. It would take approx. 4-5 tbsp ground flax per day to get 1 gram of EPA.)
2) Exercise. 30 minutes of cardio, 3 times per week.
3) Sunlight. 30 minutes of sun exposure daily.
4) Sleep. 8 hours per night on the same schedule 7 days per week.
5) Social connectedness. Make or schedule time with friends and family, on the phone and in person. Expand social network if necessary.
6) Anti-ruminative behavior. Fancy way of saying "negative thoughts." Avoid them. Interrupt them with distractions.

Seems pretty basic and healthy. And I can see where not getting enough (or too many in terms of negative thoughts) would be unhealthy. So I figure I'll give it a try. Starting now with a walk in the sunshine.

What's in a Mom?

2007-02-21T21:30:00.000-07:00

Feeling better!! Not sure why, but I'll take it! The fog is lifting, and I'm looking forward to a big, beautiful BFP this weekend! Been having some very different and strange little twinges in my uterus today. Probably means nothing, but I don't remember feeling this before. Maybe baby? Maybe a horrible uterine infection caused by the HSG? Maybe my only symptoms post alien probe?? I'm hoping for a baby...

I've been reading books. Not just any books, but books related to this whole fun and wonderful past-time of trying to conceive as a single or older woman. I just finished But I Don't Feel Too Old to Be a Mommy! and am now reading Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide. I also have, and am looking forward to reading Single Mothers by Choice: A Guidebook for Single Women Who Are Considering or Have Chosen Motherhood. I recently joined the national SMC organization, but haven't had a chance to contact the local group and get involved yet. That's a goal, though. I'd heard by another SMC in Phoenix (currently pregnant with triplets!) that it was a very good, supportive group here, so I'm looking forward to joining up with them. Heavens knows it would be good to find some women to share sitters with, hang out, etc.

But I'm terrified, too. Yeah, that old friend, Panic. What if I am pregnant! Oh, shit!! This is all a huge mistake! But I breathe deep and figure out that it's okay. I'm okay. It'll all be okay. BOY, I hope I don't just wake up one day and decide this was the worst idea I'd ever had... These books are suppose to make me more knowledgeable and calm my fears! But they're making me think!!

Okay, friends. You don't have to reassure me. We've been through this before... Just ignore me. I really have talked myself back down and I'm good to go. And really excited to be pregnant! (oh please oh please oh please oh please!)

I'm not planning to test until Saturday, 12 DPO. Then I'll test every day until I either get a BFP or AF shows. But I am SET!

On a side note, I think I'm flying to Boston on the 20th of March! My first trip to the East Coast!! Likely the trip will be short - like maybe overnight. And it's not for the greatest reason - my mom has precancerous cysts on her pancreas. But it's possible that she will get an experimental treatment that will hopefully cure her and save her from having her entire pancreas removed and becoming an automatic diabetic. We're quite hopeful, but still have a lot of unanswered questions and concerns.

My mom is an AMAZING woman!! Incredibly strong and positive. Decides never to worry about something until she's certain there's something to worry about. She rarely disappoints--and maybe it's because of that that in the rarest of instances that she does disappoint it's so glaring... poor dear. She's so close to perfect I forget she's fallible like the rest of us. And I just love her like crazy!! So there.

Pop Goes the Princess

2007-02-18T18:19:00.000-07:00

I'm getting by. It's a week past AI. I'm not really having any symptoms, except some twinges that seemed uterine in nature yesterday. Nothing today. Except a headache. And tired. Had breakfast, shopped and saw a movie with friends--the dark and savage Last King of Scotland. We're trying to get some more Academy Award Nominees in before next Sunday.

I feel like I'm struggling a bit with my mood. Almost too blah to write a post, but I know I've been absent for awhile. Figured I should "check-in." I'm apparently doing better than Britney Spears, though... poor thing.

Okay, the headache's got me. Gonna go deal. Maybe go to bed early.

Hangin' with OP

2007-02-13T13:22:00.000-07:00

For the first time ever in recorded history, I'm having ovulation pain. Started night before last, which is why I AI'd a couple hours after my first OPK+. I thought, huh, this must mean something. The little bit of cramping came and went throughout yesterday. Not really noticeable unless I really thought about it. I did my second AI last night about 8:30, and shortly after that I got really bad cramps around my left ovary. The right side is tender when I push on it, too, but the left side - yow! It continued to hurt pretty bad all night and this morning. Not double-over or cry hurt, but yow-ow-ow hurt. It has backed off a little, but still uncomfortable. I am pretty sure I ovulated because my temps spiked this morning.

I'm sure the cramping is clomid related. Of course this morning I was thinking I probably have ovarian cysts now, but I have read that ovulation cramping on clomid is common. I only had some hot flashes, minor chest pain and maybe depression as other memorable side effects. I'll need to get checked out before I go on it again.

Here's to hoping it's all worth it!

It's time! It's time! It's time!!

2007-02-12T10:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, really quick, cuz I need to get some work done today!

I got a +OPK last night at about 11:30pm. I'd been to the movies and had a rootbeer, then a bottle of water, and then some fake coffee (Kaffree Roma)... I was too diluted to get a decent test earlier than that, and the 1pm test was negative. I also noticed some possibly ovulation pains, which I never ever ever get. I'd been thinking I wanted to change up the timing, so I did an AI right away. Was able to get it all together at about 1:30am this morning. Plan to AI again tonight, maybe 7:30. 2 hrs & 20 hrs past +OPK... Dunno.

I got my peak on the CBFM this morning, as well I should have. The OV-Watch is really close--says I should ovulate tomorrow. Had I not gotten the OPK+ last night (who tests at 11:30pm??), I know I wouldn't be AI'ing until this afternoon or evening, and then tomorrow.... Maybe I jumped the gun. Or maybe not. My gut told me to do it, and if you could see how I'm filling out my jeans (or should I write "busting out of my jeans"), you'd know I've been listening to my gut a lot lately.

Okay, enough for now. I'm excited!

OH, and P.S. I've been paying a lot closer attention to my urine ph level this month and using alkalinizing drops in my water. ...just in case it's my high acidity that is reducing my fertility.

Rock 'n Roll!

2007-02-08T20:38:00.000-07:00

More test results. This from my CD 3 bloodtest: FSH was 4.9 & Estradiol (E2) was 96. The E2 is a little high, but the FSH is excellent, so there shouldn't be any problem, according to the doctor. I could go into how much I worried when I had the test results and only the web for a frame of reference... I was sure that the high E2 level meant I was one step away from IVF with donor eggs or adoption. "I wonder if I could talk my sister into donating her eggs to me?" The doc reminded me that lab results are lab specific, and she felt everything was great. SO, I'm all set to AI whenever I get my surge this weekend or next week!

Shall we dance?

2007-02-07T18:55:00.000-07:00

Funny how the contrast-filled uterus and fallopian tubes look like a funny big-handed, long and skinny-armed dancer. Or maybe not. Definitely reminds me, though, of the scene in The Science of Sleep where Gael Garcia Bernal has the huge hands waking dream in the office... As the contrast fluid reaches the ends of the tubes, it just sorta leaks and pools out in big hand patterns.

Here's an image: http://www.webmd.com/hw/health_guide_atoz/zm6047.asp?printing=true

Good news, my tubes are clear. Everything looked fine. And the HSG test didn't even hurt all that much. A little pressure here, a little cramping there... Now just a bit of leaking. Oh well. Small price.

Speaking of small price, I did just pay $150. After I'd told them last week that they'd previously quoted me $133 vs. the $230 she was trying to tell me... they put a sticky on my chart that said the price would be $150. They knew they'd told me $130-something, but it didn't include all the charges. I figured $150 was a lot better than $230, and a helluva lot better than the $750 quoted by a "reproductive specialists" clinic.

Tomorrow I get the follow-up blood test for the clomid challenge test. I'll try to corner the doc or her assistant and find out my hormone levels for the CD4 blood test last Friday.

I'm SO GLAD about my normal, unblocked tubes!!

Step away from the Pom!!!

2007-02-05T19:08:00.000-07:00

Been having a hell of a time getting organized lately. (LATELY? anybody who knows me is asking...) Okay, it's especially bad right now. Bills stacked. Work files stacked and scattered from office to home office to couch to chair to dining table. Aaarrgh!! And I'm a grand marshal of the procrastination parade... It gets especially bad when I don't have deadlines. Wait... no... it's hell when I do have deadlines. Okay. So it's always bad. Right now, I don't have any specific date that anything is due... or, at least I haven't researched to find that date... or, it's not due this week... AND since I tend not to do anything until the day before it's due... You're totally getting the picture, aren't you...

My plan right now is to watch Heroes (8-9), make a to-do list with priority dates and go to bed by 10. I will also get my kitchen timer out and handy so that if I have any hesitancy in doing something, I can use it to prod me along (work on that letter for five minutes... then you can run away and go to the post office...)

Dagnabit! Kobi just coughed. He's been coughing/semi-gagging more often lately. His mouth still looks healed - no tumor - but, of course, I can't see his lungs. Will probably need to get some pictures of those puppies in another month or two. Otherwise, he still seems fit as a fiddle!

I've been on clomid for three days. I've had some hot flashes. And last night I started to have chest pains, which can be a symptom of the med. In about three hours, I had three significant pangs in my chest. I occasionally get chest pains anyway. I have mitral valve prolapse, and unrelated, I sometimes get supraventricular tachycardia--that was pretty exciting when it first started up a couple years ago. I can be sitting doing nothing in particular, and my heart will suddenly start racing around 180-200 beats per minute. Fortunately, it usually only lasts a total of eight to ten (very fast) beats. The longest it's lasted was around two and half minutes. Very scary before I understood what was going on. So I occasionally get the racing beats. And occasionally I get pain. So I don't know if last night was the clomid or just because. I went ahead and took another dose this morning. (Sssshhh) So far, no pain. No problem.

Heroes started, so I can only type during the commercials (every 6 minutes). Screws up the train of thought, that's for sure... (but helped me with the post title!)

Oh, I'll finish by saying my dear friend loved her earrings AND the card. She had a great birthday, despite the fact that the place she'd told everyone to meet us at was closed due to plumbing problems. Fortunately, another perfect place was open about three blocks away. She had 18 people at her party!! It worked out great!

Said earrings for said dear friend
(Still working with that new camera... sorry it's a bit blurry!)

Give it to me, baby... uh-huh, uh-huh

2007-02-03T14:32:00.000-07:00

Started clomid (clomiphene citrate) today, 50 mg. Doc wrote the script for days three through seven, but didn't give it to me until CD 4. She'd said it would be days five through nine, so I hadn't worried about it. I picked up the script when I went in for my pre-clomid bloodwork. I was fortunately able to catch the doc in the hall and ask her some questions. She said the jury was out on whether CD 3-7 or CD 5-9 were better for the clomid challenge test. As I understand it, when you take it slightly earlier, as you would in a normal clomid cycle, more eggs are a little more mature and ready when you get the LH surge. But for whatever reason the "test" was usually done later. What I'm not sure is why I couldn't just do CD 4-8... Oh well. Today's my first day on clomid.

My HSG test, where they'll put a balloon catheter into and through my cervix and shoot my uterus full of oil or water soluble contrast solution until it spills into my fallopian tubes and take x-rays of the process, is rescheduled for Wednesday, CD 9. Apparently the x-ray tech that I was scheduled with originally doesn't do HSGs. That's, of course, a problem. Fortunately, I've got nothin' special scheduled next week and I'm all about taking care of my fertility -- priority number one!!

Have I mentioned how much Kobi's breath smells like ass? Oh my god... He can be laying at the foot of my bed, open his mouth and smack it a bit, and I'm enveloped with a really humid, nasty stench. I originally blamed his cancerous tumor, but that's been removed and his mouth looks very much healed. I'd complained to his cancer doc and she said it really wasn't that bad. So I guess I was wrong. It's not worth complaining about... so I take it all back.

Today is a dear friend's birthday, and I need to get off my arse and get ready to go out, pick up part of her gift (a frame for the card I had made for her by a gal who creates personalized greeting cards). It's a great card, and said gal was very receptive to my ideas and easy to work with. It's not every day you get to tell a complete stranger about a friend's affinity for transsexuals. Huh, I wonder if said dear friend will mind opening her card in front of all her other friends....? Guess we'll know that answer in just a few hours! And if you read this said dear friend before the party, forget it--and Happy Birthday!!

TTC Cycle #4, CD1

2007-01-30T21:59:00.000-07:00

Yep. On to the next cycle. #4 is not bad... it's still early in the game, huh? As soon as AF showed, I called the doc's office to schedule my bloodwork and get my script for clomid. I will do a clomid challenge test to check ovarian reserves... blood tests on CD 3 & 10, clomid CD 5-9. I also called the x-ray/imaging place to set up my HSG test for CD 8, a week from today.

That's a funny story. Last month when I decided with my doc that I would do the HSG, I called around for prices. The place she referred me to was going to be $750 out of pocket, because my fabulous Blue Cross Blue Shield will not cover anything remotely "infertility" related. I thanked the people, but kept calling. Several hopeful potential places don't--never did or no longer do--HSG tests. Finally found one, and they said their price was $78. I laughed, he grew uncomfortable... I got his billing department phone number and called them. No, sorry, they don't do HSGs. Well yeah, they do. They were ready to set the appointment and quoted me a (ridiculously low) price. No, we don't do HSGs. Yeah, you do. Who's your boss... So I call the boss. We don't do HSGs. Well then why did that office quote me a price and prepare to schedule me for it?? Oh. Let me call you back...

About a half hour later, the billing department manager called me back (in her husky "I smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day" voice, and I'm picturing the lines around her lips, poorly died hair, and leathery skin--it's okay, I'm a former smoker) to say what do you know? That office DOES do HSGs and here're the prices... maybe... $133. Oh, I'd also gotten the medical codes from the first $750 place and compared procedure codes with the cheaper place. The $133 place only uses two of the four codes - no anesthetic and no charge for the catheter/tray.

When I called today to schedule the procedure and asked for the price, it had jumped to $230... My fault, I guess. I told them the competitor charges $750. They'd remembered my call.

I'm all set for cycle #4. Hopefully. I ordered shipment of my last two of nine vials from NWAC. They're set to arrive two days after my HSG test. I'll likely be doing AI between that weekend and the following Tuesday. Unless Clomid really screws me up and delays my ovulation date, which I hear can happen. And as long as my HSG test shows clear fallopian tubes and no problems. Of course the results of the blood tests will be important, too, but won't necessarily change my course of action. Not this month, anyway.

Hopefully I take after my mother and am "biologically ten years younger than my age..." I'll leave the significance of that revelation to another post. ((I'm thinking about you Mom, and I love you.))

Oh, hell. Kobi just coughed again tonight. That's a couple times this week. I dread the idea that his cancer has reached his lungs. He's still eating really well, and his energy is good. The coughing is not consistent, but considering that he normally rarely coughs, twice in just a couple days really scares me. Damn. A friend of mine from work had to pound on her dog's chest this weekend to keep his heart beating... They had a vet appointment today, but I haven't heard whether the vet prescribed a different heart medication or ?? It's so scary and so sad... And makes me cry. And I'm not sure if it's because I feel scared for Jack, sad for my friend, or scared and sad for Kobi and I... probably all of the above.

Sorry to end on a sad series of notes (you have no idea)... I really am hopeful, although awfully crampy and bloated at the moment, about my TTC. I'm sure I'll face whatever Kobi & I have to face as well as can be expected. And the rest, well, will be however it's suppose to be. I'll just hope for the best. Love...

cuddles

2007-01-26T19:37:00.001-07:00

These guys were all snuggled up the other day and I had the wherewithal to grab the new camera I'm still not quite used to having... Cute, no?

I'm 10 DPO today and still SICK! My head kills, and the congestion's turned me into a mouth breather. Hatin' it.

I've got zero symptoms, but that hasn't stopped me from testing already. My cheapie internet HPTs showed up in the mail yesterday and I put 'em to use this morning. BFN. It's okay. It's not over yet.

Update 1/28: 12 DPO. Another BFN. No AF yet, but not due until Tuesday.

Update 1/29: 13 DPO. Temp dropped below coverline this morning. I expect AF later today or tomorrow. Won't use an HPT today. I'll post later or tomorrow if AF shows.

I am feeling better. Yesterday I even did some work in the yard, cleaned my kitchen and did laundry. Feel okay today, too. Still congested. Still coughing. But not weak or achy. :)

First (week) down on the second yard line...

2007-01-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

7 DPO. Not a single symptom. But I can barely feel anything past the flu. My throat is sore and swollen. Sinuses over productive. I'm achy and warm and coughing and my head hurts. Since Saturday afternoon. Yesterday was probably the worst. But today is a close second. I'm trying to be good to myself, get plenty of rest, drink lots of fluids, etc. Hope like hell that the couple acetaminophen and benadryl I've taken don't cause any problems with implantation or cell development. Bleh...

I am using the progesterone cream again this cycle, but not quite as much as I used last cycle. Instead of 1-1/2 pumps 2x/day, I'm just using a single pump 2x/day. I'm not having any breast tenderness at this point. I'm hoping this dosage is enough to help without giving me the crazy pregnancy symptoms I had last month (nausea to the point that a normally yummy $15 entree was completely inedible).

I am hopeful that this cycle will result in a BFP! I felt good about the AIs and the timing. A little concerned that I'm sick when some important stuff is suppose to be happening... I'll probably test on Saturday or Sunday (11-12 DPO) if my internet cheapie HPTs arrive in time. Otherwise I'll wait and buy a two pack of the First Response or something and try Sunday and again on 14 DPO, Tuesday one week from today, if no AF in sight.

My mom told me that my grandmother was five months pregnant with my uncle before she knew she was pregnant! Apparently she still had what appeared to her to be her period for the first 5 months. That was about 67 years ago. Grandma is now 97!

So I have a big belly... now what?

2007-01-20T22:15:00.000-07:00

I'm 4 DPO. This morning, after a day of eating tremendous amounts of bread products--I think that's three days in a row now--my still full belly was rounded as if I was pregnant. And even though I'm not pregnant yet (as in even if my egg was fertilized, it hasn't yet had an opportunity to implant), I get to fantasize just the tiniest bit that my full belly is baby. Stupid, right?

I don't think I've been gaining weight in order to look or feel more pregnant, that would really be "touched." Bread is my comfort food. Today it was croissants. The couple days before, it was a yummy little loaf of dried apricot and raw almond bread with goat cheese (from Willo Bakery, a local shop). The couple days before that it was my favorite pizza from Crazy Jim's: artichoke heart, fresh tomato and feta cheese. Okay, I like cheese almost as much as I like bread. WOW - I've really been on a feeding frenzy!

I'd been so good after I got back from vacation/the holidays. Well, not the first week. But then I bought a bunch of whole, fresh, organic foods - fruits, vegetables, grains, tofu... Spent less than I usually do on groceries, but made some terrific dishes! I made a delicious eggplant & red pepper with spicy peanut sauce (thanks, Moosewood!) and an orange, fennel & celery salad. Also had broccoli, tofu and brown rice a couple nights.

But this past week, it's been nothing but bread or heavy carbs. Yikes! And my belly is pleasantly full.

Normally, a full belly is not my favored state. I like a strong core. But this whole TTC effort has really pushed me toward being okay with a soft, motherly state. I hope I can get a legitimately swollen belly soon! And that I don't end up weighing 250 before this is over!!!